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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.

************************
Check Out Comments -
Humor + Letters From Readers
Add Something Yourself
************************

Wednesday

 

New Periodic Elements



NEW "Periodic Elements"

Valuable scientific data. A proposed new addition to the
periodic table (from Chemistry class) elements:

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic
food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.







Comments:
A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts
(With Christmas coming, this is surely going to be a big help!)

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No
one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang
from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one
knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men
bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes,
he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn
out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and
flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit
in a cupboard for 23 years.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills.
Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere.
Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea.
No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on
the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts
left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr
Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire.
(NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA
Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a
'68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank.
Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who
wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift.
However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th
Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If
you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he
gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum
extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an
extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at
least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8"
manila rope. No one knows why.
 
Things You Learn From the Movies:

1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they
are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

2. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which
wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

3. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override
the communications system of any invading alien society.

4. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in
a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait
patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around
in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

5. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything
in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

6. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally
gunned down three days before their retirement.

7 Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to
kill their arch enemies using complicated machinery
involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers,
and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives
at least 20 minutes to escape.

8. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

9. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.

10. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a
picture of your sweetheart back home.

11. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language. A German or Russian accent will do.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but
will always say: Enter Password Now.

14. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.

15. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you meet will know all the steps.

16. Police departments give their officers personality
tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a
partner who is their total opposite.

17. When they are alone, all foreign military officers
prefer to speak to each other in English.
 
4 years old: My Mommy can do anything!
8 years old: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years old: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 years old: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 years old: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years old: That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 years old: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 years old: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 years old: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 years old: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
 
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her
husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he answered as if he was
offended, and left for the office.

At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the
woman opened the door, she was handed a box of
a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1:00 p.m.,
a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite
chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique
delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then
the dress!" she exclaimed.

"I've never had a more wonderful Memorial Day in my life!
 
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* * * Great Archives Here - - - - "Music That H Enjoys" Below * * *

* * * Great Archives Here - - - - "Music That Howdy Enjoys" Below * * *

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Jesus and The Da Vinci Code

How Can I Know God???

Tales of Narnia

Answering Islam

The Da Vinci Code

A Short Look At Six World Religions

Bible - God's Word in different languages...

Bible Study Info

Christian Web Info

Don't Be Left Behind

For The University Crowd

Hard Questions Answered

How to become a Christian

Mr. Contoversial

Great For Kids

Stories For Kids

Bible Knowledge Challenge

The Young Earth Club

Who Is Jesus???

Christian Apologetics

Christian Web Info

God Bless The USA

Great Christians In History

History of American Christianity

Bible Instructions

RBC

Dr. Ben Haden

Bible Search Tools

Kids For Truth

Lincoln - A Christian

Mission To America

One Place For Learning

Our Daily Bread

President Lincoln

Red Skelton's Pledge of Allegiance

Intellectual Takeout

Evangelical Viewpoint

Dr. John Vernon McGee

Insight For Living

Turning Point

Outstanding Bible Teacher

Dr. Tony Evans

Listen To The Bible

Is Jesus God?

Great Bible Teaching

*America - Why I Love Her - Big John Wayne*

The Church & Israel

How To Become A Christian

*Watch The Jesus Movie*

Fireworks

Your very own library

Muhammad or Jesus???

Why The U.S.A. Is At War - 1

Why The U.S.A. Is At War - 2

Christian Women

Is Jesus God?

Statement Of What Howdy Believes!!!

Bible Crosswords

Great Bible Teacher

All About Cults

Religion Comparison

The Relationship of the Church to Israel

Just For Guys

Church History

***Watch The Jesus Movie***
{Many Languages}





Music That Ho Enjoys



God Bless America - Kate Smith

Military Music

Boston Pops: God Bless America

This Land Is Your Land

Blue Moon

Say A Prayer

Hawaii Five O

LawOrder

The Battle Of New Orleans

Beverly Hillbillies

Indiana Jones

James Bond

Jaws

Magnum

Mission Impossible

Peter Gunn

Rocky

Singing In The Rain

Star Wars

Top Gun

Peggy Sue

Downtown

Elvis

Chuck Berry

Rock Around The Clock

Dueling Guitars

Blueberry Hill

A Taste Of Honey - clip

(I Left My Heart) In San Francisco - clip

Take The 'A' Train - clip

Hello, Dolly! - clip

Peggy Sue - clip

Theme From Peter Gunn - clip

Song from Moulin Rouge

MalagueƱa

Ebb Tide

Tara's Theme from Gone with the Wind

Around the World in 80 Days

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Charade

The Way We Were

You Do Something to Me

SWonderful

Adios

A Foggy Day

Amor

Anna

Arrivederci Roma

Theme from Moulin Rouge II

Stardust - Big Band

Bolero

Brazil

Rhapsody in Blue

Sleepy Lagoon

My Foolish Heart

Lisbon Antigua

La Mer

April in Portugal

Because of You

Poor People of Paris

Unchained Melody

Stranger on the Shore

Solace

Maple Leaf Rag

Voices of Spring

Emperor Waltz

Radetzky March

Water Music (Excerpt) George Frideric Handel

Finale - William Tell Overture

Overture - My Fair Lady

The Rain in Spain

The Lonely Bull - Herb Alpert

Tijuana Taxi - Herb Alpert

The Happy Whistler

So Rare

Mona Lisa

Ghost Riders in the Sky

Walk, Don't Run

Wonderland by Night

Canadian Sunset

Blue Tango

The Happy Wanderer

Down Yonder

Midnight in Moscow

Crazy Medley

Tequila

That's for Me

Quiet Village

Harbor Lights

Dueling Banjoes II

Autumn Leaves

My Foolish Heart

Don't Know Much

I WALK THE LINE

EL PASO

TENNESSEE WALTZ

STAND BY YOUR MAN

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

Close To You

Rainy Days & Mondays

Sing A Song

Yesterday Once More

We've Only Just Begun

Goodbye To Love

Only You

As Time Goes By

As Time Goes By II

As Time Goes By - Original

After Loving

San Francisco

Stranger In Paradise

Mrs. Howdy

Rags To Riches

The Good Life

Hello Dolly

All Of Me

Thank Heaven For Little Girls

Beyond The Sea

Everybody Loves

Return To Me

That's Amore

Autumn Leaves

Love Me With All Your Heart

If I Give My Heart To You

Autumn Leaves II

Autumn Leaves III

See The USA

My Prayer

You Always Hurt

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Love Me Tender

Its Now Or Never

Old Shep

Dont Be Cruel

When I Fall In Love

When I Fall In Love II

When I Fall In Love III

A Fool Such As I

You'll Never Know

Fascination

I'm Yours

Wish You Were Here

Lady Of Spain

CanadianSunset

It's Magic

Secret Love

This Magic Moment

My Prayer

Twilight Time

Great Pretender

Harbor Lights

Little Darlin'

Wanted

No Other Love

Magic Moments

Till The End Of Time

Dont Let The Stars

Overture - Barber of Seville

Back In The Saddle

You Always Hurt

When I Fall

When A Man

True Love

Sincerely

Sweetheart

In The Mood

A Taste Of Honey

The Lonely Bull

Lollipops And Roses

This Guys In Love With You

What Now My Love

Three Coins In The Fountain

You've Gotta Have Heart

HeartOfMyHeart

Stranger In Paradise II

Love Is...

Unforgettable

Georgia On My Mind

Sentimental Over You

Thanks For The Memories

Too Young

Because

Never On Sunday

Yellow Rose Of Texas

Windy

My Little Corner

Speak Low

Moments To Remember

HernandosHideaway

Be My Love

Embassy Waltz

Misty

A Certain Smile

Chances Are

Not For Me To Say

Stranger On The Shore

I'll Be Seeing You

Cherry Pink

Downtown

Moonlight Serenade

Last Date

Naughty Lady

Til I Kissed You

All I Have To Do Is Dream

Dixie Land Band

Ghost Riders In The Sky

The Happy Wanderer

Lollipops

Santa Catalina

Band Of Gold

Auld Lang Syne

The Wayward Wind

P.S. I Love You

Harbor Lights

Ebb Tide

Lime Light

Green Door

My Heart Cries

Down Yonder

Silvana Mangano Anna

Does Your Chewing Gum?

Grand Night For Singing

Purple People Eater

Orange Blossom Special

I'll Get By

'Til Then

Katie At UNC

Love Letters

As Time Goes By

Cheek To Cheek

Mission Impossible

The Way You Look Tonight

Frenesi

Glad To Be An American

Battle Hymn Of The Republic

How Great Thou Art

Have Thine Own Way

Beyond The Sunset

Amazing Grace

He's Got The Whole World

Peace In The Valley

How Great Thou Art II

Stars & Stripes Forever

Tennessee Waltz

Beverly Hillbillies Theme

El Paso

Happy Trails

Big John

Sixteen Tons

Which Doctor?

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Misty

Gina

The Lion Sleeps Tonight

Mr. Sandman

Bad Leroy

Only The Lonely

Pachelbel

Magnificent 7

Magnificent 7 - II

Rawhide

I Walk The Line


God loves you so much that He died for you!!!



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Verse of the Day




* * * Four important things to KNOW: #1) For ALL (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) have sinned & fall short of the glory of God. #2) For the wages of above (see #1) are DEATH (Hell, eternal separation from God, & damnation) but the Gift (free & at no charge to you) of God (Creator, Jehovah, & Trinity) is Eternal Life (Heaven) through (in union with) Jesus Christ (God, Lord, 2nd Person of The Trinity, Messiah, Prince of Peace & Savior of the World). #3) For God so greatly loved & dearly prized the world (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) that He even gave up His only begotten (unique) Son, that whosoever (anyone, anywhere, anytime - while still living) believes (trust in, relies on, clings to, depends completely on) Him shall have eternal (everlasting) life (heaven). #4) Jesus said: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, & THE LIFE. No one (male/female - American, Muslim, Jew, Catholic, Hindu, Buddhist, Asian, Presbyterian, European, Baptist, Brazilian, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc. ) comes (arrives) to the Father (with GOD in Heaven) EXCEPT BY (through) ME (no other name). *** This wonderful loving GOD gives you the choice - - - (Rev. 3:20) {Please note that church membership, baptism, doing good things, etc. are not requirements for becoming a Christian - however they are great afterwards!!!} *** Jesus said, "Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction (Hell, damnation, eternal punishment), and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life (Heaven, eternal happiness, forever with God), and only a few find it.




D I S C L A I M E R If someone should ask if it's legal to download songs
found on various non-commercial sites, such as this one.

Well, I'm neither a lawyer nor a technician,
and I've begun to wonder if it was legal for
us to tape music off the radio back when
tape recorders first came into being.

And were we committing a crime when we recorded
a movie shown on TV with our VCRs? And was it
really legal to buy a dual-deck recorder for the
express purpose of duplicating cassettes?

My answer to all of the above is, "I don't know."

Nonetheless, here is a formal statement in
some kind of legalize that appears to apply
to this kind of file availability:

The songs on this site are copyrighted by their respective artists and are placed here
for evaluation purposes only. No profits or sales are made on this site from their use.

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