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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Humor + Letters From Readers
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Friday
The Movies
A fellow took a UNC student to the movies. During the pre-
views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & M's.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag,
picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.
"What did you do that for?" he asked her.
"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
Business Call
A Lady Or Birds???
Was Not Me!!!
Illusion?
On Strike!!!
.
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on
strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the
doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist
over there to read the picket signs!
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on
strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the
doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist
over there to read the picket signs!
Pay Close Attention To What
You Are Reading & Saying!
.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
Deep Question
.
Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
A: Because they would be bagels.
Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
A: Because they would be bagels.
The Sheriff
.
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention.
"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?"
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper
waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants,
and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention.
"Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?"
"What's he look like?", asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff. "He wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper
waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants,
and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
A Prof's Visit
.
A UNC student's English prof paid a visit to his
house one day. When the student opened the door,
she asked "Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?"
"They was in, but they is out." he answered.
The UNC English prof. gasped, "Why, Mr. Morton,
it is 'They were in, they are out.' Where's your grammar?"
"She's upstairs taking her nap."
A UNC student's English prof paid a visit to his
house one day. When the student opened the door,
she asked "Are your father and mother in, Mr. Morton?"
"They was in, but they is out." he answered.
The UNC English prof. gasped, "Why, Mr. Morton,
it is 'They were in, they are out.' Where's your grammar?"
"She's upstairs taking her nap."
Woman'sFeelings
.
"I cannot think well of a man who sports with
any woman's feelings; and there may often
be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by
can judge of." - Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park
"I cannot think well of a man who sports with
any woman's feelings; and there may often
be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by
can judge of." - Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Mansfield Park
Peat Moss
.
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase
a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check
in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you
will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that
won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase
a bale of peat moss. She gave a personal check
in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you
will want some identification."
He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that
won't be necessary."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"Crooks don't buy peat moss." answered the clerk.
Card Game
Jones jumped up from the card table white with rage.
"Stop this game," he shouted, "Smith is cheating!"
"How do you know?" "He's not playing the hand
I dealt him."
Young Lady
.
"But when a young lady is to be a heroine,
the perverseness of forty surrounding families
cannot prevent her. Something must and will
happen to throw a hero in her way."
- Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Northanger Abbey
"But when a young lady is to be a heroine,
the perverseness of forty surrounding families
cannot prevent her. Something must and will
happen to throw a hero in her way."
- Jane Austen (1775 - 1817), Northanger Abbey
G.K. Chesterton Quote
.
Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds.
Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies
into which they never enter and with their hand on the doorlatch
they die outside. G.K. Chesterton
Faith and love are apt to be spasmodic in the best of minds.
Men and women live on the brink of mysteries and harmonies
into which they never enter and with their hand on the doorlatch
they die outside. G.K. Chesterton
'T & H' International Headquarters
What's Worse???
.
Q: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A: A hippopotamus with chapped lips.
Q: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A: A hippopotamus with chapped lips.
ECNALUBMA
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle
which can only be seen in the rear-view mirror.
1742: Faneuil Hall Opened to the Public
Faneuil Hall, financed by wealthy merchant Peter Faneuil and
designed by John Smibert, opened to the public in Boston.
The building, dubbed the "Cradle of Liberty" for the revolutionary
meetings that took place inside, housed a food market area. The
building burned down in 1761, and Smibert designed a new building
that was expanded by Charles Bulfinch in 1805.
MORE!!!
Oxymorons
.
* wise fool
* only choice
* jumbo shrimp
* almost exactly
* same difference
* pretty ugly
* definite maybe
* original copy
* found missing
* wise fool
* only choice
* jumbo shrimp
* almost exactly
* same difference
* pretty ugly
* definite maybe
* original copy
* found missing
Definitions
.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you
pick it up, even when you're six inches away.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you
pick it up, even when you're six inches away.
Petishun Against 'T & H'
.
Petishun
~~~~~~~
We UNC* grads at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and
makes our roots turn grey. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to
the loyers at Chappel Hill. We will take this all the way to the supream
cort if we have two. Juj Smit knos all about hairassment and he will
be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this
pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell Vandy, State
& FSU jokes as much as UNC jokes and every so often a Duke joke.
If we don't get our way we will not lik anybody that ain't a UNC grad
and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the UNC grads
________
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
(Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
Petishun
~~~~~~~
We UNC* grads at the ofise are tired of all the the dum stoopid jokes
about us. We think this is hairassment. It causes us grate stress and
makes our roots turn grey. We have hired a loyer and he is talking to
the loyers at Chappel Hill. We will take this all the way to the supream
cort if we have two. Juj Smit knos all about hairassment and he will
be on are side.
We have also talked to the govner to make a new law to stop this
pursicushun. We want a law that makes peepol tell Vandy, State
& FSU jokes as much as UNC jokes and every so often a Duke joke.
If we don't get our way we will not lik anybody that ain't a UNC grad
and we will make up jokes about you and we will laff.
Sined by the UNC grads
________
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.R.C.
(Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
.
Subject: TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Subject: TOP 10 THINGS MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
Walt Disney
.
Entertainment Magnate and Film Pioneer. Most remembered
for creating Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and a host of other
cartoon characters. He has won 32 Oscars, more than any
other person, for his extraordinary achievements in films.
In 1928, Walt created Mickey Mouse. His third Mickey
Mouse film, "Steamboat Willie," was the first cartoon
to use synchronized sound and became an overnight success.
Walt was the voice of Mickey for the first ten years of the
cartoon. In 1934, Disney pioneered the first full length
cartoon movie, "Snow White", and again, critics were over-
come by the sheer popular response of the public to the
movie. In 1950, he produced his first live-action film,
"Treasure Island," and in 1955, he opened his first theme
park, Disneyland. Prior to his death in 1966 in Los Angeles,
California, of lung cancer, he began work on his latest
theme park in Orlando, Florida: Walt Disney's World.
Forty years after Walt's death, the Disney empire
occasionally keeps to Walt's pro-family legacy.
Died: December 15, 1966
Born: December 5, 1901
Entertainment Magnate and Film Pioneer. Most remembered
for creating Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, and a host of other
cartoon characters. He has won 32 Oscars, more than any
other person, for his extraordinary achievements in films.
In 1928, Walt created Mickey Mouse. His third Mickey
Mouse film, "Steamboat Willie," was the first cartoon
to use synchronized sound and became an overnight success.
Walt was the voice of Mickey for the first ten years of the
cartoon. In 1934, Disney pioneered the first full length
cartoon movie, "Snow White", and again, critics were over-
come by the sheer popular response of the public to the
movie. In 1950, he produced his first live-action film,
"Treasure Island," and in 1955, he opened his first theme
park, Disneyland. Prior to his death in 1966 in Los Angeles,
California, of lung cancer, he began work on his latest
theme park in Orlando, Florida: Walt Disney's World.
Forty years after Walt's death, the Disney empire
occasionally keeps to Walt's pro-family legacy.
Died: December 15, 1966
Born: December 5, 1901
Keep looking at the picture
and you'll see a giraffe -
honest!!
Famous Quotes
.
"The Bible has been the Magna Charta of the poor and oppressed.
The human race is not in a position to dispense with it."
- Thomas Huxley (Author & Scientist)
"The whole hope of human progress is suspended on the ever
growing influence of the Bible." - W.H. Seward (Secretary of State)
We must seek revival of our strength in the spiritual foundations
which are the bedrock of our republic. Democracy is the outgrowth
of the religious conviction of the sacredness of every human life.
On the religious side, its highest enlightenment is the Bible; on the
political side, the Constitution. --President Herbert Hoover
Our deep and heartfelt gratitude is due to that Almighty Power
which has bestowed upon us such varied and numerous blessings
throughout the past year. The general health of the country has
been excellent, our harvests have been unusually plentiful, and
prosperity smiles throughout the land. Indeed, notwithstanding
our demerits, we have much reason to believe from the past
events in our history that we have enjoyed the special protection
of Divine Providence... --President James Buchanan
Without the assistance of the Divine Being... I cannot succeed.
With that assistance I cannot fail. Trusting in Him who can go
with me, and remain with you, and be everywhere for good,
let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To His care
commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will
commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell.
- President Abraham Lincoln
Peace is precious to us. It is the way of life we strive for with
all the strength and wisdom we possess. But more precious
than peace are freedom and justice…This is our cause: peace,
freedom, justice. We will pursue this cause with determination
and humility, asking divine guidance that in all we do we may
follow the will of God. --President Harry S. Truman
"The Bible has been the Magna Charta of the poor and oppressed.
The human race is not in a position to dispense with it."
- Thomas Huxley (Author & Scientist)
"The whole hope of human progress is suspended on the ever
growing influence of the Bible." - W.H. Seward (Secretary of State)
We must seek revival of our strength in the spiritual foundations
which are the bedrock of our republic. Democracy is the outgrowth
of the religious conviction of the sacredness of every human life.
On the religious side, its highest enlightenment is the Bible; on the
political side, the Constitution. --President Herbert Hoover
Our deep and heartfelt gratitude is due to that Almighty Power
which has bestowed upon us such varied and numerous blessings
throughout the past year. The general health of the country has
been excellent, our harvests have been unusually plentiful, and
prosperity smiles throughout the land. Indeed, notwithstanding
our demerits, we have much reason to believe from the past
events in our history that we have enjoyed the special protection
of Divine Providence... --President James Buchanan
Without the assistance of the Divine Being... I cannot succeed.
With that assistance I cannot fail. Trusting in Him who can go
with me, and remain with you, and be everywhere for good,
let us confidently hope that all will yet be well. To His care
commending you, as I hope in your prayers you will
commend me, I bid you an affectionate farewell.
- President Abraham Lincoln
Peace is precious to us. It is the way of life we strive for with
all the strength and wisdom we possess. But more precious
than peace are freedom and justice…This is our cause: peace,
freedom, justice. We will pursue this cause with determination
and humility, asking divine guidance that in all we do we may
follow the will of God. --President Harry S. Truman
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