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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Saturday
The Right Way To Spell Potato
If GH can stand for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
Then the right way to spell POTATO
should be: GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU
Computer Dating
A UNC student gave up on Computing Dating
after she was stood up by two mainframes, a
mini, and a laptop.
Two UNC students are walking down different ends
of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a
sack. When they meet, one says,"Hey Tommy Ray,
what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"
When you write copy, you own the right of copyright to the copy you
write, if the copy is right. If, however, your copy falls over, you must
right your copy. If you write religious services, you write rite, and own
the right of copyright to the rite you write.
Conservatives write Right copy, and own the right of copyright, to the
Right copy they write. A right-wing cleric would write Right rite, and
owns the right of copyright to the Right rite he has the right to write.
His editor has the job of making the Right rite copy right before the
copyright can be right.
Should Reverend Jim Wright decide to write Right rite, then Wright would
write right rite, to which Wright has the right of copyright. Duplicating
his rite would be to copy Wright's Right rite, and violate copyright, to
which Wright would have the right to right.
Right?
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your
relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better
than I like mine!"
Parents are worried about the failing eyesight of
their two teenagers. The daughter can't find any -
thing to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son
can't find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full
of food.
Only a woman could ask, "Don't turn around -
but who is that couple that just came in?"
A police officer stops a UNC student for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license and
then today you expect me to show it to you."
HONOR SYSTEM VIRUS WARNING
UNC WEBMASTER
This virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk, then forward
this message to everyone you know.
Thank you for your cooperation.
A married couple (both UNC grads) trying to live up to a snobbish
lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart.
"Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked
casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this
morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."
There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her
husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered,
"We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."
As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his
wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."
"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so
embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to
Coney Island? You're crazy! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't
go out to Coney Island?"
Things That Take Years To Learn
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number
of helicopters in it.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race
has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that
word would be "meetings."
The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.
You should not confuse your career with your life.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor,
is not a nice person.
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
The problem with evolutionists isn't just that
they can't see God at work. It's that they refuse
to see Him at work.
Hey Y'all,
I'm going to be out of town Monday - Wednesday.
Wave if you pass me on the interstate.
'Til Then,
Dr. Howdy
P.S. Do you like my new car I purchased with
my tax return???
P.S.S. Read comments & archives for additional
humor & inspiration (if you happen to need some)
while I'm gone...
Friday
Stealth!!!
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
We are sorry it is taking a little extra time to pull away
from the gate The machine that rips the handles off your
luggage is broken so we have to do it manually."
Professionals Define:
"What is a kiss?"
Here's how the professors of different subjects
define the same word, *kiss*, in different ways:
**Prof. of Algebra:
Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
**Prof. of Geometry:
Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
**Prof. of Physics:
Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the
expansion of the heart.
**Prof. of Chemistry:
Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between
two hearts.
**Prof. of Zoology:
Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
**Prof. of Dentistry:
Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
**Prof. of Accountancy:
Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
**Prof. of Economics:
Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always
higher than the supply.
**Prof. of English:
Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is
more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural
and it is applicable to all.
**Prof. of Computer Science:
What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
**Prof. of Statistics:
Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the
vital statistics of 36-24-36.
A UNC student named Jill calls her friend Linda,
Linda picks up the phone.
Jill says "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Linda asks "why?"
Jill replies, "I need to buy cosmetics"
Linda asks "why"
Jill replies "Well, my english prof says,
'I have a make-up exam on monday "
Diary of a new UNC grad wife -
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice." So I heated some
water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda
silly in the middle of the week. I can't say it improved the rice any.
A UNC student is driving a Porsche. She sees another UNC student with
a Porsche that has broken down on the side of the road. She stops to ask
what's wrong.
The owner of the broken Porsche said, "I just had a look under the hood,
well, while I was driving somebody had stolen the engine."
The other said, "Oh, don't worry, I have a spare one in the back of my
Porsche."
Roe V. Wade
The left just seems to get more excited about anything
when death is on the table. I don't know what it is, whether
it's disaster death or war death or society deciding we're going
to off some of our fellow citizens, they get ginned up about it, really
get excited about the death aspect. But, but, you start talking about life
and somehow they just don't have as much interest in that, as though
it is enlightened to understand that it's some people's duty to die and
get out of the way, and that not everybody has a right to life. It
depends on what somebody else wants. So I am continually
amazed at these people.
All Wet Word Quiz
Match up the correct meanings:
1. atoll (n.) - A: coral reef encircling a lagoon. B: steep
cliff. C: sound of a ship's bell. D: fishing net.
2. tack (v.) - A: to harvest. B: alter direction. C: drift.
D: lose speed.
3. corolla (n.) - A: reddish coral. B: undersea cave.
C: tidal wave. D: flower petals.
4. littoral (adj.) - relating to A: a fish's diet.
B: breathing apparatus. C: ship cargo. D: the seashore.
5. gestate (v.) - A: to grow. B: carry during pregnancy.
C: approach. D: swim in formation.
6. estuary (n.) - A: where ocean meets river. B: deep-sea
predator. C: ocean bed. D: lighthouse.
7. floe (n.) - A: unit of tidal measure. B: type of whale.
C: floating ice sheet. D: air-tank mouthpiece.
8. pelagic (adj.) - relating to A: ancient sea creatures.
B: big waves. C: the open sea. D: seaweed.
9. scuttle (v.) - A: to float. B: sink. C: cut precisely.
D: dive.
10. frond (n.) - A: microscopic ocean plant. B: large tidal
pool. C: endangered shellfish. D: large leaf.
11. halyard (n.) - A: rope that raises sail. B: ship's
kitchen. C: anchor chain. D: veteran sailor.
12. mutate (v.) - A: to relocate. B: turn suddenly.
C: change. D: eat indiscriminately.
13. piscatory (adj.) - relating to A: plant life. B: fish or
fishing. C: scuba gear. D: beach sand.
14. regenerate (v.) - A: to add new traits. B: use twice.
C: produce anew. D: eat one's own young.
15. osmosis (n.) - A: prehistoric fish. B: how coral
reproduces. C: movement of water molecules. D: steady loss
of appetite.
16. kelp (n.) - A: tiniest shark. B: dolphin sound. C: knot
used by sailors. D: type of seaweed.
Preparing For The Mahdi
Recently, the leaders of six nations, including the United States and Great
Britain, met to discuss Iran's restarting its nuclear research program. To quote
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Iran's actions "crossed the threshold."
What threshold? The threshold between actions that are irritating or worrisome
and those that keep you up at night. This is especially true of Iran if you
understand the religious -- and, I would say, scary -- vision that shapes
Iranian President Ahmadinejad's decisions.
Iran's president is not only a devout Shiite Muslim; he is also what is known as
a Mahdaviat. The term means "one who believes in and prepares for the Mahdi."
The Mahdi, also known as the "Twelfth Imam," is the Shiite equivalent of a
messiah: "the restorer of religion and justice who will rule before the end of
the world."
For Ahmadinejad, preparing for the Mahdi has included "secretly [instructing]
the [Tehran] city council to build a grand avenue to prepare for the Mahdi," the
building of a special mosque dedicated to the cult of the Mahdi, and
construction of a railroad line to transport pilgrims there.
And his "preparation" is not limited to actions within Iran: When he addressed
the UN, Ahmadinejad prayed for God to "hasten the emergence of . . . the
Promised One . . . that will fill this world with justice and peace."
By "peace," he does not mean an Isaiah-like "peaceable kingdom." As political
scientist John von Heyking has noted, some Mahdaviats go beyond believing that
the Mahdi will "return to save the world when it had descended into chaos." Some
of them believe that they can hasten that process by more chaos; and there is
good reason to suspect that Iran's president is one of these.
If this sounds familiar, it ought to: In my book KINGDOMS IN CONFLICT,
I wrote about a fictitious evangelical American president who learns about a plot to
blow up the Mosque on the Dome of the Rock. While he knows that this will lead
to an all-out war in the Middle East, he hesitates because his beliefs tell him
that this will hasten Christ's return. The results of his hesitation are
catastrophic.
I am not the only one who has noticed the parallels. Ross Douthat of the
ATLANTIC MONTHLY wrote that no Christian, regardless of eschatology,
thinks God is commanding him to nuke Tel Aviv. Nor is he hosting Holocaust-
denial conferences as Ahmadinejad is.
What's more, from the start Christianity, unlike Islam, has distinguished
between the two kingdoms: God's and man's. That is why Augustine wrote the CITY
OF GOD. And that is why I wrote my book describing the two kingdoms, titled
KINGDOMS IN CONFLICT. But there's no such distinction in Islam.
Ahmadinejad's beliefs and his call for the destruction of Israel make Iran's
nuclear program even more ominous. And it would be the height of folly for the
West to regard his carefully chosen words as mere hyperbole or bombast for
internal Iranian consumption. It also ought to make us wonder what people like
British Foreign Secretary Jack Straw are thinking about when Straw says that we
should not "rush" to impose sanctions. Iran is a ticking time bomb.
As Richard Weaver noted, ideas have consequences, and the sooner world leaders
understand this, the better we'll all sleep.
Answering Islam
Neptune's moon Triton is the coldest place in the solar system,
with a surface temperature of -235 degrees Celsius (-390 degrees
Fahrenheit). As cold as it is, there are active volcanoes on Triton
in which the erupting liquid is frigidly cold liquid nitrogen. At Triton's
surface, nitrogen normally exists as frozen ice. But under the surface,
where Triton is heated by slow radioactive decay of its rocks, nitrogen
melts into a liquid. When the liquid heats up still further, it boils and
erupts through the surface, spewing evaporating liquid nitrogen high
into space. See Genesis 1 for more creation details. Triton is one of
the few moons in the solar system that has an atmosphere and clouds.
The clouds, seen by Voyager 2, are evidence of Triton's volcanoes.
According to evolutionary ideas Neptune should not exist!
Dear Friends,
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ,
he is a new creation; the old has
gone, the new has come!
Sincerely Yours,
Paul
2C 5
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