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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Saturday
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any
other two-letter word, and that is "UP".
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of
the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and
why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary
to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP
the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock
UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP
is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem
to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the
dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page
and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP
is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so..........
Time to shut UP.....!
Does The Window Face Right Or Left?
The UNC student came running into the store
and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from
the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
The student answered,
"I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
It's a very impressive new bridge. We saw it recently
as we traveled near the Ohio River. As you look at it
from the city where we were staying, it appears to be
complete. But when you go a few blocks and you look
at it from downriver, some additional information
becomes apparent - important information. It's only
partly completed. It will get you part way there - but
then it will drop you in the river.
Friday
Howdy Loves N.Y.
Happiness
keeps you sweet,
Trials
keep you strong,
Sorrows
keep you human,
Failures
keep you humble,
Success
keeps you glowing,
But
only God
keeps you going!
Every time I think of you,
I give thanks to my God.
- PH 1:3
Wednesday
Thanksgiving Weather Report
.
Turkeys will thaw in the moring, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid,
and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold
shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front
of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across
one side while cranberry sause creates slippery spots on the other.
Please pass the gravy!!
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the
entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During
the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers,
dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftover can be
expected both days with a 50 per cent chance of scattered
soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend when soup
develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low
as the only wish left will be the bone.
Turkeys will thaw in the moring, then warm in the oven to an
afternoon high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid,
and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold
shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front
of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation
of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across
one side while cranberry sause creates slippery spots on the other.
Please pass the gravy!!
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the
entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During
the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers,
dropping to a low of 34 F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat
sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftover can be
expected both days with a 50 per cent chance of scattered
soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend when soup
develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low
as the only wish left will be the bone.
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets
he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they
noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this
same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983....
.
Two UNC basketball players were taking an important
final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic
probation & not allowed to play in the big game. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Putty Duh was stumped. He had no idea what to answer.
But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he
passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he
tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the
answer to the last question?"
Tiny quietly laughed. "Putty, you're so stupid.
Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Putty Duh. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write
the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's
shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell
farm?"
"You are really dumb, Putty Duh. That's so easy.
Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Two UNC basketball players were taking an important
final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic
probation & not allowed to play in the big game. The
exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."
Putty Duh was stumped. He had no idea what to answer.
But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he
passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he
tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the
answer to the last question?"
Tiny quietly laughed. "Putty, you're so stupid.
Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."
"Oh yeah," said Putty Duh. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write
the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's
shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell
farm?"
"You are really dumb, Putty Duh. That's so easy.
Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
THE SURPRISING POWER OF FAMILY MEALS
.
It's almost time again for the best-known meal of the year. On this particular
day, Thanksgiving, families will gather together around the dinner table, even
if some of them have to be dragged away from the football game. Some people --
as with my family -- will even fly or drive hundreds of miles to be with their
families. Thanksgiving is still important enough to us that we make every effort
to gather with our loved ones for a family meal.
But what about the other 364 days of the year?
It's almost time again for the best-known meal of the year. On this particular
day, Thanksgiving, families will gather together around the dinner table, even
if some of them have to be dragged away from the football game. Some people --
as with my family -- will even fly or drive hundreds of miles to be with their
families. Thanksgiving is still important enough to us that we make every effort
to gather with our loved ones for a family meal.
But what about the other 364 days of the year?
Happy Thanksgiving
.
In 1621 the Puritan settlers in the Plymouth Colony were so filled with
rejoicing that their crops had thrived, and they had experienced a bountiful
harvest, that they set aside 3 days of celebration, probably in October
(although the exact date is not known), and invited their friendly
neighbors, the Wampanoag Indians, to join them in the feasting and revelry.
They had good authority to do so -- Governor William Bradford had proclaimed
a Day of Thanksgiving, and after the previous harsh winter which they had
gone through, having adequate food supplies to face the oncoming winter was
reason enough to celebrate.
From that time forward, days of celebration and thanksgiving were
observed throughout the colonies after each fall harvest. The 13 colonies
did not all celebrate Thanksgiving Day on the same date until October of
1777. A few years later, in 1789 President George Washington proclaimed a
Day of Thanksgiving to be observed on November 26. Subsequent presidents
have followed his lead. The observance did not become national in scope
until 1863 when President Abraham Lincoln issued a proclamation calling on
the "whole American people" wherever they lived to unite "with one heart and
one voice" in observing a special day of thanksgiving. Setting apart the
last Thursday of November for the purpose, the President urged prayers in
the churches and in the homes to "implore the interposition of the almighty
God to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it...to full enjoyment
of peace, harmony, tranquility and union." He also urged that they express
heartfelt thanks for the "blessing of fruitful fields and healthful skies."
In 1621 the Puritan settlers in the Plymouth Colony were so filled with
rejoicing that their crops had thrived, and they had experienced a bountiful
harvest, that they set aside 3 days of celebration, probably in October
(although the exact date is not known), and invited their friendly
neighbors, the Wampanoag Indians, to join them in the feasting and revelry.
They had good authority to do so -- Governor William Bradford had proclaimed
a Day of Thanksgiving, and after the previous harsh winter which they had
gone through, having adequate food supplies to face the oncoming winter was
reason enough to celebrate.
From that time forward, days of celebration and thanksgiving were
observed throughout the colonies after each fall harvest. The 13 colonies
did not all celebrate Thanksgiving Day on the same date until October of
1777. A few years later, in 1789 President George Washington proclaimed a
Day of Thanksgiving to be observed on November 26. Subsequent presidents
have followed his lead. The observance did not become national in scope
until 1863 when President Abraham Lincoln issued a proclamation calling on
the "whole American people" wherever they lived to unite "with one heart and
one voice" in observing a special day of thanksgiving. Setting apart the
last Thursday of November for the purpose, the President urged prayers in
the churches and in the homes to "implore the interposition of the almighty
God to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it...to full enjoyment
of peace, harmony, tranquility and union." He also urged that they express
heartfelt thanks for the "blessing of fruitful fields and healthful skies."
Why Thanksgiving Matters
.
The holiday police are at it again--looking for violations of the nation's
new policy of separating faith and civic celebrations. The same folks who
will soon be trolling courthouse squares looking for manger scenes are now
calling on Americans to have a happy Thanksgiving . . . but leave God out
of it.
School textbooks filled with revisionist history tell children that the
first Thanksgiving was a celebration at which the Pilgrims thanked the
Indians for teaching them how to survive the harsh New England climate
and plant successful crops. God is simply not part of the picture.
Some educators, worried that even the word "thanksgiving" might be too
controversial, have renamed the holiday "Turkey Day." Of course, this
implies that the central thrust of the celebration comes down to poultry.
The revisionist historians want to have it both ways. They present the
Pilgrims as wild-eyed religious fanatics--precursors to the Religious
Right--and then suggest that the first Thanksgiving was essentially a
secular holiday.
The holiday police are at it again--looking for violations of the nation's
new policy of separating faith and civic celebrations. The same folks who
will soon be trolling courthouse squares looking for manger scenes are now
calling on Americans to have a happy Thanksgiving . . . but leave God out
of it.
School textbooks filled with revisionist history tell children that the
first Thanksgiving was a celebration at which the Pilgrims thanked the
Indians for teaching them how to survive the harsh New England climate
and plant successful crops. God is simply not part of the picture.
Some educators, worried that even the word "thanksgiving" might be too
controversial, have renamed the holiday "Turkey Day." Of course, this
implies that the central thrust of the celebration comes down to poultry.
The revisionist historians want to have it both ways. They present the
Pilgrims as wild-eyed religious fanatics--precursors to the Religious
Right--and then suggest that the first Thanksgiving was essentially a
secular holiday.
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