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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Humor + Letters From Readers
Add Something Yourself
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Friday
Old Virus Resurfaces!!!
.
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is
a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most
advanced programs cannot take care of. So be warned, it
appears to affect those of us who were born before 1964!
Symptoms of Senile Virus
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems that there is
a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most
advanced programs cannot take care of. So be warned, it
appears to affect those of us who were born before 1964!
Symptoms of Senile Virus
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the
Citizenship Test
How well would you do if you took the citizenship test.
Try this out -educational and fun. 24 out of 30 is con -
sidered a passing grade. I understand that 96% of all
High School Seniors FAILED this test... AND if that's
not bad enough, 50+% of all individuals over 50 did too!!
Border Patrol Video
UNC Fraternity Party
Fishing At UNC
A UNC student had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road,
and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and
one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious
he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was.
The UNC student replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The student responded, "When you break down they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did
understand it either."
A North Carolina State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-40.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The UNC student replied, "Bout whut?"
Safely Behind The Snowplow
.
I was scheduled to speak at a winter retreat in Pennsylvania and
I had to drive from New Jersey, and that day winter decided that it
was time to do some serious wintering like heavy snow. And it just
kept on coming. I knew this could be an exciting drive. Well, actually,
it turned out to be much easier than I expected. I got out into this mess
on Interstate 80 and I had really low visibility, I had blinding snow, and
the road filling up quickly. Of course I was muttering, "Why couldn't
they cancel this retreat? Then I thought of a better idea than complaining,
like praying maybe? And wouldn't you know, that's when I saw the snowplow
in front of me. Well, I got my little car right in behind Mr. Snowplow and
I traveled on a clear road most of the way to the retreat! I just drove where
the snowplow had already been! That way you're a lot less likely to end up
in a ditch!
I was scheduled to speak at a winter retreat in Pennsylvania and
I had to drive from New Jersey, and that day winter decided that it
was time to do some serious wintering like heavy snow. And it just
kept on coming. I knew this could be an exciting drive. Well, actually,
it turned out to be much easier than I expected. I got out into this mess
on Interstate 80 and I had really low visibility, I had blinding snow, and
the road filling up quickly. Of course I was muttering, "Why couldn't
they cancel this retreat? Then I thought of a better idea than complaining,
like praying maybe? And wouldn't you know, that's when I saw the snowplow
in front of me. Well, I got my little car right in behind Mr. Snowplow and
I traveled on a clear road most of the way to the retreat! I just drove where
the snowplow had already been! That way you're a lot less likely to end up
in a ditch!
Happy New Year
From Capt. Howdy
Pray For Our Great President
To Make A Treasure
.
"I was running from everything, even myself. But
God was chasing me," the man said, sounding yet
in awe at the thought of it. "There are two roads
in life," he then explained quickly, as if he felt he
was about to lose our attention, not knowing
whether we would want to hear it or not. "One
way moves toward Him, the other away from
Him. I realized that I wanted to go His way,
towards Him, towards Christ," he said, pointing
upwards.
"I was running from everything, even myself. But
God was chasing me," the man said, sounding yet
in awe at the thought of it. "There are two roads
in life," he then explained quickly, as if he felt he
was about to lose our attention, not knowing
whether we would want to hear it or not. "One
way moves toward Him, the other away from
Him. I realized that I wanted to go His way,
towards Him, towards Christ," he said, pointing
upwards.
Photos Too Graphic For U.S. Media
Thursday
Someone took this picture
of Howdy (left) at work today:
Ansel Adams -
American Experience
Howdy's Driveway
All must admit that the reception of the teachings of Christ results
in the purest patriotism, in the most scrupulous fidelity to public trust,
and in the best type of citizenship. Those who manage the affairs of
government are by this means reminded that the law of God demands
that they should be courageously true to the interest of the people,
and that the Ruler of the Universe will require of them a strict
account of their stewardship. -- President Grover Cleveland
NEWS FLASH! - Chapel Hill's worst air disaster occurred when a small
two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two UNC students, crashed into
a cemetery earlier today. Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300
bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.
A senior at UNC was overheard saying... "When the end of the world
comes, I hope to be in Chapel Hill*."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Chapel Hill because
everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
* See "Comments" for explanation...
Finding The Good Life In God's Design
How do you find the good life? Our culture gives us one answer:
Do what feels right. Our own desires should have the last word;
only by indulging them can we achieve true happiness. It may
not always be stated that openly, but that's the essential message
being fed to us from the time we're old enough to understand.
.
Are you ready for some "Straight Talk?"
Well, get prepared, because that is what
this quiz is all about. Businessman and author
Lee Iacocca is a straight talker who knows
how to pack a wallop with his words. He
began building his vocabulary early by
reading "Word Power" and exchanging
verbal spars with his classmates. Here
are some of Iacocca's choice words.
1. aspire (v.) - A: to animate. B: aim for. C: end.
D: pretend.
2. meddlesome (adj.) - A: spirited. B: fretful. C: inter-
fering. D: fainthearted.
3. albatross (n.) - sea bird symbolizing A: persistent
difficulty. B: ecstasy. C: effortless achievement. D: lost
treasure.
4. permeate (v.) - A: to firm up. B: rearrange. C: force an
opening into. D: spread through.
5. consortium (n.) - A: monopoly. B: partnership. C: illegal
transaction. D: rental unit.
6. laissez-faire (adj.) - A: easy come, easy go. B: at rest.
C: unregulated. D: harmonious.
7. divisive (adj.) - A: dishonest. B: roundabout. C: candid.
D: disruptive.
8. ad hoc (adj.) - A: for this purpose. B: unreal.
C: possible. D: confidential.
9. harbor (v.) - A: to encourage. B: keep in one's mind.
C: reinforce. D: lose sight of.
10. tout (v.) - A: to oppose. B: suppress. C: deceive.
D: praise.
11. catharsis (n.) - A: result. B: intensity. C: weakness.
D: purification.
12. envisage (v.) - A: to visualize. B: plan for. C: ideal-
ize. D: surround.
13. contentious (adj.) - A: relevant or pertinent.
B: controversial. C: full. D: quiet.
14. exacerbate (v.) - A: to analyze carefully. B: make
worse. C: uncover. D: argue.
15. rag (v.) - A: to humiliate. B: challenge. C: tease.
D: clean up.
16. watershed (n.) - A: fluid situation. B: protective
arrangement. C: small waterfall. D: decisive turning point.
17. reparation (n.) - A: making up for a wrongdoing.
B: severe punishment. C: a pulling apart. D: redistribution.
18. homogenize (v.) - A: to weaken. B: blend. C: adapt.
D: separate.
19. faze (n.) - A: to fluster. B: fade away. C: dominate.
D: gloss over.
20. temper (v.) - A: to drive to distraction. B: synchro-
nize. C: mold. D: moderate.
Are you ready for some "Straight Talk?"
Well, get prepared, because that is what
this quiz is all about. Businessman and author
Lee Iacocca is a straight talker who knows
how to pack a wallop with his words. He
began building his vocabulary early by
reading "Word Power" and exchanging
verbal spars with his classmates. Here
are some of Iacocca's choice words.
1. aspire (v.) - A: to animate. B: aim for. C: end.
D: pretend.
2. meddlesome (adj.) - A: spirited. B: fretful. C: inter-
fering. D: fainthearted.
3. albatross (n.) - sea bird symbolizing A: persistent
difficulty. B: ecstasy. C: effortless achievement. D: lost
treasure.
4. permeate (v.) - A: to firm up. B: rearrange. C: force an
opening into. D: spread through.
5. consortium (n.) - A: monopoly. B: partnership. C: illegal
transaction. D: rental unit.
6. laissez-faire (adj.) - A: easy come, easy go. B: at rest.
C: unregulated. D: harmonious.
7. divisive (adj.) - A: dishonest. B: roundabout. C: candid.
D: disruptive.
8. ad hoc (adj.) - A: for this purpose. B: unreal.
C: possible. D: confidential.
9. harbor (v.) - A: to encourage. B: keep in one's mind.
C: reinforce. D: lose sight of.
10. tout (v.) - A: to oppose. B: suppress. C: deceive.
D: praise.
11. catharsis (n.) - A: result. B: intensity. C: weakness.
D: purification.
12. envisage (v.) - A: to visualize. B: plan for. C: ideal-
ize. D: surround.
13. contentious (adj.) - A: relevant or pertinent.
B: controversial. C: full. D: quiet.
14. exacerbate (v.) - A: to analyze carefully. B: make
worse. C: uncover. D: argue.
15. rag (v.) - A: to humiliate. B: challenge. C: tease.
D: clean up.
16. watershed (n.) - A: fluid situation. B: protective
arrangement. C: small waterfall. D: decisive turning point.
17. reparation (n.) - A: making up for a wrongdoing.
B: severe punishment. C: a pulling apart. D: redistribution.
18. homogenize (v.) - A: to weaken. B: blend. C: adapt.
D: separate.
19. faze (n.) - A: to fluster. B: fade away. C: dominate.
D: gloss over.
20. temper (v.) - A: to drive to distraction. B: synchro-
nize. C: mold. D: moderate.
Tuesday
EIGHT LEVELS OF JOY!!!
.
*-Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.
*-You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.
*-Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.
*-You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago -- and sold it high.
*-Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you.
*-You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank.
*-Your child calls from college just to say hi.
*-The IRS loses your name.
*-Your metabolism changes so that you can lose weight eating chocolate.
*-You realize that your kid's report card was really a bad dream.
*-Your computer actually crashes when the technician is there.
*-You bought Amazon.com 2 years ago -- and sold it high.
*-Steven Speilberg calls your boss looking for you.
*-You haven't put on weight -- your clothes shrank.
*-Your child calls from college just to say hi.
*-The IRS loses your name.
A UNC student was infatuated with a freshman, but was
so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact,
he even told his therapist that every time he got near her
he felt like he was unimportant. He said that he felt as
insignificant as a tiny pebble.
"Well," his therapist responded, "If you want to get the girl
you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
How Many Do You Remember??
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he`s on a beach.
The sand is purple. He can`t believe it. The sky is purple.
He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass,
purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He`s
shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn
purple too.
"Oh no!!" he says, "I think I`ve been marooned!!"
Don't Be Cruel
.
You know I can be found,
Sitting home all alone,
If you can’t come around,
At least please telephone.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Baby, if I made you mad
For something I might have said,
Please, let’s forget the past,
The future looks bright ahead,
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.
Don’t stop thinking of me,
Don’t make me feel this way,
Come on over here and love me,
You know what I want you to say.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Why should we be apart?
I really love you baby, cross my heart.
Let’s walk up to the preacher
And let us say I do,
Then you’ll know you’ll have me,
And I’ll know that I’ll have you,
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.
Scroll down to end of page below to hear this song!!!
You know I can be found,
Sitting home all alone,
If you can’t come around,
At least please telephone.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Baby, if I made you mad
For something I might have said,
Please, let’s forget the past,
The future looks bright ahead,
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.
Don’t stop thinking of me,
Don’t make me feel this way,
Come on over here and love me,
You know what I want you to say.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Why should we be apart?
I really love you baby, cross my heart.
Let’s walk up to the preacher
And let us say I do,
Then you’ll know you’ll have me,
And I’ll know that I’ll have you,
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
Don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true.
I don’t want no other love,
Baby it’s just you I’m thinking of.
Scroll down to end of page below to hear this song!!!
* * * Great Archives Here - - - - "Music That Howdy Enjoys" Below * * *
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