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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Humor + Letters From Readers
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Saturday
AFTERMATH OF KATRINA -
LIVE ACCOUNT
.
Its the Christian people with love and compassion
who do the work. The gripers in Congress should
come on down and get in line to pass the water
and the ice. Are you listening Hillary, Chuck,
Teddy and all the sorry loafers we call Senators
and Congressmen? They don't have a clue as to
what this life is all about here on the gulf coast.
MORE!!!
Its the Christian people with love and compassion
who do the work. The gripers in Congress should
come on down and get in line to pass the water
and the ice. Are you listening Hillary, Chuck,
Teddy and all the sorry loafers we call Senators
and Congressmen? They don't have a clue as to
what this life is all about here on the gulf coast.
MORE!!!
Warning!!!
.
This may come as quite a surprise but I came across
a website that holds everyone's passport details.
Anyone can access other people's personal information
if you like.
I've removed my details - I suggest you all do the same.
GO HERE!!!
This may come as quite a surprise but I came across
a website that holds everyone's passport details.
Anyone can access other people's personal information
if you like.
I've removed my details - I suggest you all do the same.
GO HERE!!!
Friday
Cyber Tidbits
.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because
the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction
of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet
away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because
the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction
of the bubbles.
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet
away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
American car horns beep in the tone of F.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Brazilian Soldiers
.
I was at the airport waiting for my flight recently,
sitting next to a UNC student who was engrossed
in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared:
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. I was amazed
at her empathy for the soldiers.
Then... turning to me.... she asked, "How many is
a Brazilian?"
(Tks: Bob)
I was at the airport waiting for my flight recently,
sitting next to a UNC student who was engrossed
in her newspaper. One of the headlines blared:
"12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
She shook her head at the sad news. I was amazed
at her empathy for the soldiers.
Then... turning to me.... she asked, "How many is
a Brazilian?"
(Tks: Bob)
CyberHumor
.
Two UNC students named Leo and Sam exited &
locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the
key which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get
a coat hanger to open it."
"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will
think we're trying to break in."
Then Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife
to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and
pull up the lock?"
"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to
use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something
fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
Two UNC students named Leo and Sam exited &
locked the car in a hurry, forgetting to remove the
key which was in the ignition.
Realizing the mistake, Leo asked, "Why don't we get
a coat hanger to open it."
"No, that won't work" answered Sam. "People will
think we're trying to break in."
Then Leo suggested, "What if we use a pocket knife
to cut around the rubber, then stick a finger in and
pull up the lock?"
"No," said Sam. "People will think we're too dumb to
use a coat hanger."
"Well," sighed Leo, "we'd better think of something
fast. It's starting to rain, and the sun roof is open!"
Term Paper
.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger and
there is neither apple or pine in a pineapple. English
muffins were not invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are lollies while sweetbreads
which are not sweet are meat. We take English for
granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find quick sand
can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
Guinea Pig is neither from Guinea or a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the
plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two
meese? And to further complicate the issue it is one
mongoose, two mongooses. You can make amends,
but not one amend or comb through the annals of
history but not a single annal. If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all of them, except
one, is it an odd or an end?
It teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a human -
itarian eat? Sometimes I think all English speakers
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital? Or have noses that run and
feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat
chance mean the same thing , while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook
and oversee be opposites? Have you noticed that
we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage
or a strapful gown? And where are those people
who are actually spring chickens? You have to
marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which you house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers,
and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which isn't a race at all. That is why when the
stars are out they are visible, but when the lights
are out they are invisible.
That is why when I wind up my watch I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger and
there is neither apple or pine in a pineapple. English
muffins were not invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are lollies while sweetbreads
which are not sweet are meat. We take English for
granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find quick sand
can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
Guinea Pig is neither from Guinea or a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the
plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two
meese? And to further complicate the issue it is one
mongoose, two mongooses. You can make amends,
but not one amend or comb through the annals of
history but not a single annal. If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all of them, except
one, is it an odd or an end?
It teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a human -
itarian eat? Sometimes I think all English speakers
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital? Or have noses that run and
feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat
chance mean the same thing , while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook
and oversee be opposites? Have you noticed that
we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage
or a strapful gown? And where are those people
who are actually spring chickens? You have to
marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which you house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers,
and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which isn't a race at all. That is why when the
stars are out they are visible, but when the lights
are out they are invisible.
That is why when I wind up my watch I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
CLASSIC Riddle
.
This can be carried,
though it has no weight,
and you can do it to a radio
to help you play one.
ANSWER!!!
This can be carried,
though it has no weight,
and you can do it to a radio
to help you play one.
ANSWER!!!
Choosing Death Rather Than Life
.
In a major article published in the September 18, 2005 edition of
The New York Times. In a story titled "Under Din of Abortion
Debate, an Experience Shared Quietly," reporter John Leland
recounted conversations he experienced during a visit to Little
Rock Family Planning Services, an abortion clinic located in the
Arkansas capital.
Leland's article is heartbreaking. He takes readers into the lives
of the women who have come to the clinic seeking an abortion.
Their stories--and the rationales they gave for their abortions--
only deepen the sense of tragedy that surrounds the reality of
abortion.
MORE!!!
In a major article published in the September 18, 2005 edition of
The New York Times. In a story titled "Under Din of Abortion
Debate, an Experience Shared Quietly," reporter John Leland
recounted conversations he experienced during a visit to Little
Rock Family Planning Services, an abortion clinic located in the
Arkansas capital.
Leland's article is heartbreaking. He takes readers into the lives
of the women who have come to the clinic seeking an abortion.
Their stories--and the rationales they gave for their abortions--
only deepen the sense of tragedy that surrounds the reality of
abortion.
MORE!!!
Two UNC Profs
.
Two retired UNC professors were vacationing
with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They
were sitting on the veranda one summer evening,
watching the sunset.
The history professor asked the psychology
professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied,
"Yes. I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
Two retired UNC professors were vacationing
with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They
were sitting on the veranda one summer evening,
watching the sunset.
The history professor asked the psychology
professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied,
"Yes. I think it's these pesky wicker chairs."
GlowWorms
.
When an unusually large meteor of a certain kind streaks into Earth's
atmosphere, it might leave behind a glowing trail that can last
several minutes before it dissipates. These "glowworms" shine
mysteriously by their own light as high-altitude winds slowly tear
them apart.
Scientists who want to study the glowing trails are forced to wait
for a meteor of the right kind. Fortunately, the annual Leonid
meteor shower often includes such meteors, and in 1998 and 1999 laser
beams from the ground probed several of the glowing trails.
No one knows why some meteor trails glow for several minutes. The
light may come from the recombination of atoms with electrons ripped
away by the energy of the passing fireball, or possibly from chemical
reactions within the cloud of vapor.
A Leonid glowworm being
probed by a laser beam!!!
When an unusually large meteor of a certain kind streaks into Earth's
atmosphere, it might leave behind a glowing trail that can last
several minutes before it dissipates. These "glowworms" shine
mysteriously by their own light as high-altitude winds slowly tear
them apart.
Scientists who want to study the glowing trails are forced to wait
for a meteor of the right kind. Fortunately, the annual Leonid
meteor shower often includes such meteors, and in 1998 and 1999 laser
beams from the ground probed several of the glowing trails.
No one knows why some meteor trails glow for several minutes. The
light may come from the recombination of atoms with electrons ripped
away by the energy of the passing fireball, or possibly from chemical
reactions within the cloud of vapor.
A Leonid glowworm being
probed by a laser beam!!!
Dear Dad
.
Dear Dad,
How i$ it going in $outh Florida? $ally and I ju$t
$erved $oft drink$ at Outback $teakhou$e. La$t
night I propo$ed to $ally. We are getting married
on $aturday.
From, $tuie $teven$on
Dear Stuie,
NO matter what you say, you're kNOwledge is more
important than astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and techNOlogy.
You kNOw Sally will love you NO matter what.
From, Dad
Dear Dad,
How i$ it going in $outh Florida? $ally and I ju$t
$erved $oft drink$ at Outback $teakhou$e. La$t
night I propo$ed to $ally. We are getting married
on $aturday.
From, $tuie $teven$on
Dear Stuie,
NO matter what you say, you're kNOwledge is more
important than astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and techNOlogy.
You kNOw Sally will love you NO matter what.
From, Dad
I ASKED THE LORD.....
I asked the Lord to bless you
As I prayed for you today,
To guide you and protect you
As you go along your way....
His love is always with you
His promises are true,
And when we give Him all our cares,
You know He will see us through,
So when the road you're traveling on
Seems difficult at best,
Just remember I'm here praying
And God will do the rest.
Riddle
.
A word I know,
six letters it contains
subtract just one,
and twelve is what remains.
Answer on this page - BELOW!!!
(Bet you can't find it:O)
A word I know,
six letters it contains
subtract just one,
and twelve is what remains.
Answer on this page - BELOW!!!
(Bet you can't find it:O)
Thursday
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs,
and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able
to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind,
his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"
"They're for the funeral!"
.
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah
blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get
one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly, and I get very
seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No....
think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,
he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I
wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me the silent
treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want
when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah
blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little
sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get
one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly, and I get very
seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the
logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of
the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No....
think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally,
he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives
always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I
wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me the silent
treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want
when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
Singing Telegrams
.
A Western Union executive named George P. Oslin invented the
singing telegram in the depths of the Great Depression. It was on
July 28, 1933 that he asked an operator named Lucille Lipps to
deliver a singing message to the great vocal star, Rudy Vallee.
It was Rudy's birthday.
Oslin, who was public relations director for Western Union, was
criticized for making a laughingstock of the company. But as the US
emerged from the depression, singing telegrams became more popular.
Today in the age of email and long-distance telephone calls, singing
telegrams are falling into obscurity. The only ones available from
Western Union now are those sung to the tune of "Happy Birthday
to You" -- the same song sung by Lucille Lipps in 1933.
More about George Oslin and singing
telegrams
Oslin wrote a book called "The Story
Of Telecommunications"
The history of Western Union
A Western Union executive named George P. Oslin invented the
singing telegram in the depths of the Great Depression. It was on
July 28, 1933 that he asked an operator named Lucille Lipps to
deliver a singing message to the great vocal star, Rudy Vallee.
It was Rudy's birthday.
Oslin, who was public relations director for Western Union, was
criticized for making a laughingstock of the company. But as the US
emerged from the depression, singing telegrams became more popular.
Today in the age of email and long-distance telephone calls, singing
telegrams are falling into obscurity. The only ones available from
Western Union now are those sung to the tune of "Happy Birthday
to You" -- the same song sung by Lucille Lipps in 1933.
More about George Oslin and singing
telegrams
Oslin wrote a book called "The Story
Of Telecommunications"
The history of Western Union
Near Miss
In New York, a jet taking off with 185 passengers came within
200 feet of an arriving cargo plane, nearly colliding. New York
Senator Clinton blamed it on "vast right-wing malfunction."
Leap Year History
In 1582 Pope Gregory decreed that October's dates would skip
from the fourth to the fifteenth, dropping ten days. The reason
for this seemingly strange act had to do with the calendar system
that was in use at the time.
Unlike our current system, the old Julian calendar had a leap year
every four years without exception. Because a year is really a fraction
shorter than 365.25 days, tiny errors began to accumulate.
By the time of Pope Gregory's decree, the calendar was adjusted
by ten days compared to Earth's solar year. When he issued his
decree, Gregory also fixed the leap year rule, so that leap years
do not occur on century years (divisible by 100), unless the year
is also divisible by 400. There is one other exception: years divisible
by 4000 are not leap years. For example, 1900 was not a leap year,
but 2000 is one.
The Stuff Of Scars
I have always found it immeasurably comforting that Jesus gave Simon
the name "Cephas," or Peter, before Cephas had done much of anything.
Before Peter had even determined to follow Jesus, let alone serve him
and love him as the Christ, before Peter had muttered his denials of
knowing Jesus or had one of his moments of blurted insight, before
Jesus had reason to call Peter "Satan," Jesus called him the "rock"
(John 1:42). What does this say? First, I believe it shouts of God's sovereignty.
MORE!!!
Wednesday
Letter To Howdy
.
Howdy,
Your messages are bigoted and offensive. Indeed,
you will have a lot to answer for when you meet your
beloved god.
Robert (MSU)
Howdy,
Your messages are bigoted and offensive. Indeed,
you will have a lot to answer for when you meet your
beloved god.
Robert (MSU)
Howdy's Desk
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