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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Humor + Letters From Readers
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Saturday
You Are Special
To Your Creator!!!
.
O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know
when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You
chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment
you know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it,
LORD. You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on
my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!
I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your
presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead,
you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the
farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will
support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to
become night – but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night
shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you. You made
all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's
womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is
marvelous – and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in
utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me
before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every
moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable!
I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake
up in the morning, you are still with me! Search me, O God, and know my
heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends
you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Ps139
O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know
when I sit down or stand up. You know my every thought when far away. You
chart the path ahead of me and tell me where to stop and rest. Every moment
you know where I am. You know what I am going to say even before I say it,
LORD. You both precede and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on
my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to know!
I can never escape from your spirit! I can never get away from your
presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the place of the dead,
you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the
farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will
support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to
become night – but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night
shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you. You made
all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's
womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is
marvelous – and how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in
utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me
before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every
moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God! They are innumerable!
I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake
up in the morning, you are still with me! Search me, O God, and know my
heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends
you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. Ps139
WATCH VIDEO!!!
Four Important Things To KNOW
.
1) For ALL (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus,
Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist,
Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) have sinned
& fall short of the glory of God.
2) For the wages of above (see #1) are DEATH (Hell, eternal
separation from God, & damnation) but the Gift (free & at
no charge to you) of God (Creator, Jehovah, & Trinity) is
Eternal Life (Heaven) through (in union with) Jesus Christ
(God, Lord, 2nd Person of The Trinity, Messiah, Prince of
Peace & Savior of the World).
3) For God so greatly loved & dearly prized the world
(Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist,
Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians,
Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) that He even gave up
His only begotten (unique) Son, that whosoever (anyone,
anywhere, anytime - while still living) believes (trust in,
relies on, clings to, depends completely on) Him shall
have eternal (everlasting) life (heaven).
4) Jesus said: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, & THE LIFE.
No one (male/female - American, Muslim, Jew, Catholic,
Hindu, Buddhist, Asian, Presbyterian, European, Baptist,
Brazilian, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc. ) comes (arrives)
to the Father (with GOD in Heaven) EXCEPT BY (through)
ME (no other name).
This wonderful loving GOD gives you the choice - - -
(Rev. 3:20)
{Please note that church membership, baptism, doing good
things, etc. are not requirements for becoming a Christian -
however they are great afterwards!!!}
Jesus said, "Wide is the gate and broad is the road that
leads to destruction (Hell, damnation, eternal punishment),
and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow
the road that leads to life (Heaven, eternal happiness,
forever with God), and only a few find it. --Matthew 7:13-14
Dear Lord Jesus Christ,
I admit that I am weaker and more sinful than
I ever before believed; but through You, I am
more loved and accepted than I ever dared
hope. I thank You for paying my debt, bearing
my punishment, offering forgiveness and providing
the way the way to have eternal life in Your presence.
I turn from my sins and receive You as Savior and Lord.
In Jesus The Messiah's Name,
(Your Name Here)
1) For ALL (Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus,
Buddhist, Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist,
Brazilians, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) have sinned
& fall short of the glory of God.
2) For the wages of above (see #1) are DEATH (Hell, eternal
separation from God, & damnation) but the Gift (free & at
no charge to you) of God (Creator, Jehovah, & Trinity) is
Eternal Life (Heaven) through (in union with) Jesus Christ
(God, Lord, 2nd Person of The Trinity, Messiah, Prince of
Peace & Savior of the World).
3) For God so greatly loved & dearly prized the world
(Americans, Muslims, Jews, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhist,
Asians, Presbyterians, Europeans, Baptist, Brazilians,
Mormons, Methodist, French, etc.) that He even gave up
His only begotten (unique) Son, that whosoever (anyone,
anywhere, anytime - while still living) believes (trust in,
relies on, clings to, depends completely on) Him shall
have eternal (everlasting) life (heaven).
4) Jesus said: "I am THE WAY, THE TRUTH, & THE LIFE.
No one (male/female - American, Muslim, Jew, Catholic,
Hindu, Buddhist, Asian, Presbyterian, European, Baptist,
Brazilian, Mormons, Methodist, French, etc. ) comes (arrives)
to the Father (with GOD in Heaven) EXCEPT BY (through)
ME (no other name).
This wonderful loving GOD gives you the choice - - -
(Rev. 3:20)
{Please note that church membership, baptism, doing good
things, etc. are not requirements for becoming a Christian -
however they are great afterwards!!!}
Jesus said, "Wide is the gate and broad is the road that
leads to destruction (Hell, damnation, eternal punishment),
and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow
the road that leads to life (Heaven, eternal happiness,
forever with God), and only a few find it. --Matthew 7:13-14
Dear Lord Jesus Christ,
I admit that I am weaker and more sinful than
I ever before believed; but through You, I am
more loved and accepted than I ever dared
hope. I thank You for paying my debt, bearing
my punishment, offering forgiveness and providing
the way the way to have eternal life in Your presence.
I turn from my sins and receive You as Savior and Lord.
In Jesus The Messiah's Name,
(Your Name Here)
Friday
Bug Catcher
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years
on a deserted island. Then one morning he was
thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel
pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer
in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle
of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's
compliments. He said to read through these and
let us know if you still want to be rescued."
An airplane was about to crash. There were 5
passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first
passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford
to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second, Ted Kennedy, said, "I'm Senator of the
United States, I have a great responsibility being a
leader of this nation. So America's people won't let
me die". With that he put on a pack and jumped.
The Third passenger, a UNC* grad, said, I am the
mayor of Chapel Hill and my city couldn't survive
without me. After all - I might be the cleverest mayor
in the history of that great city. Quickly he grabbed
the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, an elderly man, says to the
passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first
passenger said, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford
to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.
The second, Ted Kennedy, said, "I'm Senator of the
United States, I have a great responsibility being a
leader of this nation. So America's people won't let
me die". With that he put on a pack and jumped.
The Third passenger, a UNC* grad, said, I am the
mayor of Chapel Hill and my city couldn't survive
without me. After all - I might be the cleverest mayor
in the history of that great city. Quickly he grabbed
the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.
The fourth passenger, an elderly man, says to the
fifth passenger, a 10 year-old school boy, "I am
old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a
good citizen I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for
you. The cleverest mayor ever has taken my school
backpack."
________
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., N.U.T.,
old and frail and I don't have many years left, as a
good citizen I will sacrifice my life and let you have
the last parachute."
The boy said, "It's Ok, there's a parachute left for
you. The cleverest mayor ever has taken my school
backpack."
________
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., N.U.T.,
B.S. B.R.C. (Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was
founded in 1898 for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians
that were unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions
of higher learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
Howdy (left) at work - Former Boss (right)
*Archeologist (n.) - Someone whose life is in ruins.
Riddles For 11.4.5
.
1) What year of last century is the same when its number is
upside down? What year of the previous century is the same
when inverted?
2) Can you decipher this famous nursery rhyme?
A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed
behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her
cultivated tract of land used for the production of various
types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as
argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanic
growth, and pulchritudinous young females situated in a
linear orientation.
3) Saturday and Sunday, I am big. Tuesday thru Thursday
I am small. And, Monday and Friday I am non-existent.
What am I?
1) What year of last century is the same when its number is
upside down? What year of the previous century is the same
when inverted?
2) Can you decipher this famous nursery rhyme?
A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed
behavior, was questioned as to the dynamic state of her
cultivated tract of land used for the production of various
types of flora. The tract components were enumerated as
argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceanic
growth, and pulchritudinous young females situated in a
linear orientation.
3) Saturday and Sunday, I am big. Tuesday thru Thursday
I am small. And, Monday and Friday I am non-existent.
What am I?
ANSWERS!!!
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