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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Saturday
Someone took this picture of Howdy at work today:
What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck?
- A duck filled fatty puss!
Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in Raleigh where, in the Ladies
Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror
and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie
---*poof*------- you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to
be seen again. Soooooo....
A Wake Forest student of questionable looks walks into the ladies room
and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful
woman in the world."
*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.
Next a rather large Duke student stands before the mirror and says,
"I think I'm the sexiest woman alive". *Poof* the mirror swallows her.
Then, a UNC student comes in and stands before the mirror
and says, "I think...". *Poof*
It seems there was a UNC grad that had an automobile that had
250,000 on it and she wanted to sell the car but was having trouble
with all of the places because of the milage. She had a friend that
she went to for advise whereupon she was told to go the the friend's
boyfriend and he would run the mileage back to a respectable number.
She did this and was not seen for about 3 or four weeks by her friend.
Her friend was astonished to see her still driving the old car so she
asked if her boyfriend had helped her and why was she still driving the
old car. The friend was informed that she was not as big of a fool as
others might be. She would be a fool to get rid of such a swell car with
so few miles on it.
I am reading a very interesting book about
anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Daffynitions
*Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
*Karaoke: A Japanese word meaning "tone deaf".
*Opera: Where a guy gets stabbed in the back and sings about it.
*"Normal": A setting on a washing machine..
*Health: The slowest possible rate of dying.
*Poverty: Having too much month left at the end of the money.
*Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
*Sleep: That fleeting moment just before the alarm goes off.
*Gravity: Not just a good idea, it's the law!
*Gross ignorance: 144 times worse than normal ignorance.
Weekend Word Riddles 1.7.6
Many of the words below have their roots both
on Earth and in the heavens. How many of these
hybrids do you recognize?
1. jovial (adj.) - A: merry. B: laid-back. C: pleasingly
plump. D: ruddy.
2. pedigree (n.) - A: study of children. B: diploma.
C: ancestral line. D: stamp of approval.
3. homogeneous (adj.) - A: relating to humans. B: similar.
C: melancholy. D: cheerful and upbeat.
4. sleuth (n.) - A: timidity. B: detective. C: carelessness.
D: opening in a dam.
5. aftermath (n.) - A: result. B: critique. C: concise
summary. D: type of appendix.
6. cocksure (adj.) - A: cynical. B: angry. C: insensitive
and uncaring. D: overly confident.
7. nausea (n.) - A: despair. B: uncertainty. C: sickness in
the stomach. D: indifference.
8. canard (n.) - A: ominous warning. B: malicious rumor.
C: humorous proverb. D: small bucket.
9. ruminate (v.) - A: to become nostalgic. B: wander about.
C: ponder. D: search for.
10. cordial (adj.) - A: happy. B: perceptive. C: friendly.
D: sophisticated.
11. reek (v.) - A: to throw into disorder. B: be soaking
wet. C: take revenge. D: give off an unpleasant odor.
12. solar plexus (n.) - area of the A: abdomen. B: head.
C: back. D: chest.
13. germinate (v.) - A: to begin to grow. B: be relevant.
C: be creative. D: stimulate.
14. ferret (v.) - A: to search out. B: camouflage.
C: plunder. D: move quickly.
15. dog days (n.) - period of A: being carefree. B: having
youthful flings. C: misfortune. D: hot weather.
16. wheedle (v.) - A: to shout. B: coax. C: pry. D: lie to.
17. fathom (v.) - A: to understand. B: explain. C: decide.
D: reach out.
18. halcyon (adj.) - A: shimmering. B: pertaining to the air
we breathe. C: fresh and bracing. D: calm and peaceful.
19. wisp (n.) - A: brief glance. B: hush. C: speech defect.
D: something slight.
20. oval (adj.) - shaped like A: an apple. B: a banana.
C: an egg. D: a rhomboid.
Friday
Students at UNC were asked
to write about the harmful
effects of oil on fish. One
sophomore wrote, "When
my mom opened a tin of
sardines last week it was
full of oil and all the sardines
were dead."
Best Super Bowl Commercial
Firemen Do What They Have To
Mission Impossible
Try to find 11 MANATEES in this picture!
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop
where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen
Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare
at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to
stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response, "Hablan ustedes
Espanol?" Still nothing. the Swiss guy drives off, extremely
disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second and says,
"Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages,
and it didn't do him any good."
A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into
the saloon and ordered a root beer. The
regulars quietly observed the drifter
through half-closed eyelids. No one
spoke, but they all noticed that the
stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping
paper. Less obvious was the fact that
his shirt and vest were also made of
paper. As were his chaps, pants, and
even his boots, including the paper
spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle,
blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.
Of course he was soon arrested for rustling...
Further Down The Slope
.
The problem with same-sex "marriage" is not just that it is
inherently wrong. Another problem with it is that it could lead
to things that are even worse.
The problem with same-sex "marriage" is not just that it is
inherently wrong. Another problem with it is that it could lead
to things that are even worse.
Miners' Notes Reveal Their Final Moments
.
TALLMANSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) - Tom Toler identified the body of his youngest
brother. And then he was handed a message from the dead man. In wobbly
printing, written in ink on the back of an insurance application,
51-year-old miner Martin Toler Jr. said goodbye. For now.
"(I'll) see them on the other side," the note said. "It wasn't bad. I just
went to sleep. I love you."
His brother, a miner himself for 30 years, was so shocked by the simple,
eloquent farewell that he didn't think to ask - standing there in a newly
opened morgue in a long-closed elementary school - just exactly where his
brother had stashed the piece of paper. In his pocket? In his lunchbox?
"It just shook me up when they gave it to me," he said.
And as he read the boxed letters fashioned with a shaky pen, "I took it to
mean that it was written in the final stages. I'd call it more or less
scribbling."
Of the 12 miners who died after Monday's explosion, at least a handful
managed to scrawl a last testament to their families, according to loved
ones. The exact number of messages is not yet known.
What would you write at a time such as this? What would be important
to you then? Sooner or later each of us...
TALLMANSVILLE, W.Va. (AP) - Tom Toler identified the body of his youngest
brother. And then he was handed a message from the dead man. In wobbly
printing, written in ink on the back of an insurance application,
51-year-old miner Martin Toler Jr. said goodbye. For now.
"(I'll) see them on the other side," the note said. "It wasn't bad. I just
went to sleep. I love you."
His brother, a miner himself for 30 years, was so shocked by the simple,
eloquent farewell that he didn't think to ask - standing there in a newly
opened morgue in a long-closed elementary school - just exactly where his
brother had stashed the piece of paper. In his pocket? In his lunchbox?
"It just shook me up when they gave it to me," he said.
And as he read the boxed letters fashioned with a shaky pen, "I took it to
mean that it was written in the final stages. I'd call it more or less
scribbling."
Of the 12 miners who died after Monday's explosion, at least a handful
managed to scrawl a last testament to their families, according to loved
ones. The exact number of messages is not yet known.
What would you write at a time such as this? What would be important
to you then? Sooner or later each of us...
...........
Who is Jesus?
Who is Jesus?
Thursday
Tennis Anyone?
Bond. James Bond.
.
Shaken. Not stirred.
These are all phrases which have embedded themselves
in our culture now for 44 years. 007 is no longer a series
of numbers, but a call sign for one of today's most recognizable
movie icons. The James Bond series began in literature as
the brain child of Ian Fleming, and immediately jumped to
the silver screen. But of course, we all know this. To date,
there have been 5 different Bonds captured on film.
Sean Connery: The Quintessential Bond.
George Lazenby: The Forgotten Bond.
Roger Moore: The Sensible Bond.
Timothy Dalton: The New-Age Bond.
Pierce Brosnan: The Savior Bond.
Daniel Craig, Future Bond
Shaken. Not stirred.
These are all phrases which have embedded themselves
in our culture now for 44 years. 007 is no longer a series
of numbers, but a call sign for one of today's most recognizable
movie icons. The James Bond series began in literature as
the brain child of Ian Fleming, and immediately jumped to
the silver screen. But of course, we all know this. To date,
there have been 5 different Bonds captured on film.
Sean Connery: The Quintessential Bond.
George Lazenby: The Forgotten Bond.
Roger Moore: The Sensible Bond.
Timothy Dalton: The New-Age Bond.
Pierce Brosnan: The Savior Bond.
Daniel Craig, Future Bond
A traveling salesman was passing through a rural town
in Vermont and decided to take a little time out in order
to have some clothes cleaned in a hurry. The town only
had three streets so he was able to quickly locate a shop
with a sign that read, "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour
Service".
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit
tomorrow."
"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"I do, son," the proprietor said. "But I only work eight hours
a day. Today's Thursday....... eight hours today, eight hours
Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
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