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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Humor + Letters From Readers
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Saturday
The New Alphabet
A UNC student in tears called her father.
"What's the matter?" asked the father.
"You gave me some bad financial advise," she said.
"I did? What did I tell you?"
"You told me to put my money in that big bank,
and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about, that's one of the largest
banks in the world," he said, "surely there must be
some mistake."
"I don't think so," said the girl, "they just returned
one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Don't Make Her Mad
Support Our Troops Overseas
.
The war against terror is underway. Show your support
and help boost our troops' morale. Drop a service member
or a branch of service a quick note of thanks.
The war against terror is underway. Show your support
and help boost our troops' morale. Drop a service member
or a branch of service a quick note of thanks.
~ A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Typical pessimist pictured above -
not intended to relate to any particular person.
It is our belief that all Americans love babies
(even before they are born), believe our children
should be free to pray in school, support our troops
and would never do anything just for political gain -
even if it meant siding with our enemies - the terrorist.
(Yeah right!!!)
A Real Man's Guide
To Household Tools:
.
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape.
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and it shouldn't, use Duct Tape.
Howdy was recently walking through the jungle **
& found a huge dead dinosaur with a UNC* student
standing beside it. Amazed, Howdy asked: "Did you
kill that?". The UNC student said "Yes."
Howdy asked "How could a little guy like you kill
a huge beast like that?"
Said the student: "I killed it with my club."
Howdy, astonished, asked: "How big is your club?"
The UNC student replied: "There's about 60 of us."
________
*UNC is the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill.
Specializing in a wide range of degree programs including:
B.A. A.H.F.(Advanced Hamburger Flipping), A.P.E., B.S. B.R.C.
(Bar Room Conversations), etc. Institution was founded in 1898
for sons/daughters of local Chapel Still politicians that were
unable to qualify for the more prestigious institutions of higher
learning such as Duke, Wake Forest, and N.C. State.
**Not P.C. -
Please replace with "Rain Forrest"!!!
- The Board
FROM ROMANCE TO HELL
.
What does "I love you" mean? Why does God let so many
religions exist? Theo takes on some more tough questions.
What does "I love you" mean? Why does God let so many
religions exist? Theo takes on some more tough questions.
Dear Friends,
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, Who
comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort
those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have
received from God.
Paul
2C2
Wednesday
Howdy Exercising
A UNC student went into a bank to withdraw some money.
"Can you identify yourself?" asked the bank clerk.
The student pulls a mirror out of her handbag, looks into
it and says, "Yes, it's me alright."
Dear Howdy,
My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria.
He prescribed a strong placebo, but I don't think it's working.
Love your blog!!!
Fred M.
Fred M.
Q: Why did the UNC linebacker steal a police car?
A: He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE
.
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"MRI Blue?"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"MRI Blue?"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
Riddles For 11.9.5
.
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate
the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) With pointed fangs it sits and waits,
With piercing force its doles out fate,
Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might,
Eternally joining in a single bite.
What am I?
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate
the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) With pointed fangs it sits and waits,
With piercing force its doles out fate,
Over bloodless victims proclaiming its might,
Eternally joining in a single bite.
What am I?
The Good Samaritan
.
A Jewish man was traveling on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho,
and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes
and money, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road.
By chance a Jewish priest came along; but when he saw the man
lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed
him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying
there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then a despised
Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt deep
pity. Kneeling beside him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds
with medicine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on
his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care
of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two pieces
of silver and told him to take care of the man. "If his bill
runs higher than that," he said, "I'll pay the difference the
next time I am here."
Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor
to the man who was attacked by bandits?
A Jewish man was traveling on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho,
and he was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes
and money, beat him up, and left him half dead beside the road.
By chance a Jewish priest came along; but when he saw the man
lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed
him by. A Temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying
there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then a despised
Samaritan came along, and when he saw the man, he felt deep
pity. Kneeling beside him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds
with medicine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on
his own donkey and took him to an inn, where he took care
of him. The next day he handed the innkeeper two pieces
of silver and told him to take care of the man. "If his bill
runs higher than that," he said, "I'll pay the difference the
next time I am here."
Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor
to the man who was attacked by bandits?
Civilization Under Siege
The Riots In Paris
.
Even as many in the Western media attempt to downplay the extent and nature
of this violence, the smoke is spreading, and the debris is mounting. The
world has watched as France has been thrown into a state of emergency, with
riots, street fighting, and arson enveloping entire neighborhoods. The weak,
slow, and confused response of the French government has only exacerbated
the problem. Even as the government declared a state of emergency, French
authorities still deny the extent of the disorder.
For years now, observers have warned that Europe has put itself in a
position of tremendous vulnerability. Even as European birth rates have
fallen below population replacement levels, immigrants, largely from Muslim
lands, have been eagerly received and put to work. In one sense, many
Western European nations built the economic expansions they experienced
during the 1960s and 1970s on a base of immigrant labor.
Even as many in the Western media attempt to downplay the extent and nature
of this violence, the smoke is spreading, and the debris is mounting. The
world has watched as France has been thrown into a state of emergency, with
riots, street fighting, and arson enveloping entire neighborhoods. The weak,
slow, and confused response of the French government has only exacerbated
the problem. Even as the government declared a state of emergency, French
authorities still deny the extent of the disorder.
For years now, observers have warned that Europe has put itself in a
position of tremendous vulnerability. Even as European birth rates have
fallen below population replacement levels, immigrants, largely from Muslim
lands, have been eagerly received and put to work. In one sense, many
Western European nations built the economic expansions they experienced
during the 1960s and 1970s on a base of immigrant labor.
Dear Howdy,
With all of the various religions out there to choose from, why
should I become a Christian? What distinguishes Christianity
from all the other worldviews?
Christianity is unique among the world's religions for several important
reasons -- not the least of which being that Christianity, unlike other
religions, is historic and evidential. Jesus of Nazareth is a historical
figure. He was, of course, born in Bethlehem in Judea during the reign of
Caesar Augustus and was put to death by Pontius Pilate, a first century
Roman Governor. More important, the testimony of His life, death, and
resurrection comes to us by way of eyewitness accounts (1 John 1:1-4).
Therefore, Christianity is a historic faith and its claims can be validated
by examining the testimony of history. None of the other religions of the
world can claim this kind of historical support.
Another unique feature of Christianity is that its founder claimed to be God
(John 8:58). Of the great religious leaders of the world (Buddha, Moses,
Zoroaster, Lao Tzu, Mohammed), only Jesus claimed to be God in human flesh
(Mark 14:62). Yet far from being an empty claim, His historically verifiable
resurrection from the dead vindicated His claim to deity (Rom 1:4; 1 Cor.
15:3-8). Other religions, like Buddhism and Islam, claim miracles in support
of their faith, but unlike Christianity, these miracles lack historical
verification.
Finally, an additional feature setting Christianity apart from other
religions is that it is a coherent belief system. Some Christian doctrines
might transcend complete comprehension, but unlike the claims of many
religions, they are not irrational or absurd. Furthermore, the Christian
faith is unique in that it can account for the vast array of phenomena that
we encounter in everyday life: the laws of science, the universal laws of
logic, ethical norms, love, the meaning in life, and the problem of evil and
human suffering. So to state it philosophically: The Christian faith
corresponds with the present state of affairs.
Hank Hanegraaff
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