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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Humor + Letters From Readers
Add Something Yourself
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Saturday
Letter To Howdy
.
Dear Howdy,
I was going through the internet and came across your
webpage and thought it was interesting to see that there
are still people left in the world with a sense of humor.
I love to have fun and at the same time not over do it.
I spend my free time writing poems but am not that good
at jokes but nevertheless appreciate a good one. I am in
my final year in high school and the captain of the school
team. My ambitions are to become a pro-player and a civil
engineer. I want to study in the U.S. and i think if i have that
opportunity i would chose YALE. I haven't seen your prospectus
yet but hope to. Any way i think your web page is great.
Constance L.
Dear Howdy,
I was going through the internet and came across your
webpage and thought it was interesting to see that there
are still people left in the world with a sense of humor.
I love to have fun and at the same time not over do it.
I spend my free time writing poems but am not that good
at jokes but nevertheless appreciate a good one. I am in
my final year in high school and the captain of the school
team. My ambitions are to become a pro-player and a civil
engineer. I want to study in the U.S. and i think if i have that
opportunity i would chose YALE. I haven't seen your prospectus
yet but hope to. Any way i think your web page is great.
Constance L.
Another Letter
.
Howdy,
Thanks for brightening up my day.
Another professor
Howdy,
Thanks for brightening up my day.
Another professor
Trouble At Sea
.
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble.
The coast guard, trying to get the yacht's location,
called it on the radio. "What is your position?
Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position - well I'm
a Professor at UNC."
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble.
The coast guard, trying to get the yacht's location,
called it on the radio. "What is your position?
Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position - well I'm
a Professor at UNC."
Howdy's Raise
TABLE TENNIS OR PING-PONG?
.
The game of ping-pong, also known as table tennis, was a direct
offshoot of the English outdoor game of lawn tennis, itself derived
from traditional tennis, which is played on a hard court.
Improvised versions of table tennis were probably played in England
in the 1880s. There is a rumor that the very first games were played
with cigar box lids for paddles, carved champagne corks for balls,
and a row of upended books for a divider in the center of the court.
The first commercial version of table tennis was a game called
"Gossima" which was registered in 1891 in England, although no
physical evidence remains that actual Gossima sets were ever
produced. A similar game called "Gossima or Ping-Pong" is known
from just before 1900. But it was not until 1902, with the publication
of a book called "Table Tennis and How to Play It" that the game became
widely known.
The history of ping-pong: HERE!!!
The game of ping-pong, also known as table tennis, was a direct
offshoot of the English outdoor game of lawn tennis, itself derived
from traditional tennis, which is played on a hard court.
Improvised versions of table tennis were probably played in England
in the 1880s. There is a rumor that the very first games were played
with cigar box lids for paddles, carved champagne corks for balls,
and a row of upended books for a divider in the center of the court.
The first commercial version of table tennis was a game called
"Gossima" which was registered in 1891 in England, although no
physical evidence remains that actual Gossima sets were ever
produced. A similar game called "Gossima or Ping-Pong" is known
from just before 1900. But it was not until 1902, with the publication
of a book called "Table Tennis and How to Play It" that the game became
widely known.
The history of ping-pong: HERE!!!
Home On The Range
.
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said:
"Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable
beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said: "I think I just
heard a discouraging word."
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said:
"Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten miserable
beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said: "I think I just
heard a discouraging word."
On This Date - 1945
.
August 6, 1945 - Hiroshima was bombed by order
of President Harry Truman. When criticized some
time afterwards by the Mayor of that city he sent
this reply: "Had there been no attack on Pearl Harbor -
it would not have been necessary to drop the bomb."
It is estimated that the nuclear weapon (as horrible
as it was) saved the lives of 1 million Americans soldiers
& 2 million Japanese lives had there been the need for an
invasion to end the war.
August 6, 1945 - Hiroshima was bombed by order
of President Harry Truman. When criticized some
time afterwards by the Mayor of that city he sent
this reply: "Had there been no attack on Pearl Harbor -
it would not have been necessary to drop the bomb."
It is estimated that the nuclear weapon (as horrible
as it was) saved the lives of 1 million Americans soldiers
& 2 million Japanese lives had there been the need for an
invasion to end the war.
Friday
A Letter
.
Dear Howdy ,
I really enjoy this newsletter - it is one of the best,
probably the best. I wanted to reiterate that I wish
to keep getting the newletter and to let you know
just how great I think it is.
Sincerely,
Lynne Kay
CyberWaste
TeamWork
New Wife
.
A man asked his new wife who recently graduated from
UNC if she had seen this morning's paper. She said,
"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it -- just the classified
section, though."
He said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!"
She replied, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg
shells, coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
A man asked his new wife who recently graduated from
UNC if she had seen this morning's paper. She said,
"Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it -- just the classified
section, though."
He said, "But...but...I haven't seen it yet!"
She replied, "Oh, you didn't miss much. Just some egg
shells, coffee grounds and a few orange peels."
Cow Family
A Very Large Brown Bear
.
A brown bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a root....................................beer."
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"
A brown bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender,
"I'll have a root....................................beer."
The Bartender says, "What's with the big pause?"
The bear answers, "I don't know. My father had them, too!"
A Riddle
.
In the land of Liars and Truthtellers there were two
families a little different from the general population.
The Smith's, who told the truth only in the morning
and lie in the afternoon, and the Jones' who speak
the truth only in the afternoon and lie in the morning.
You meet one person from each of these families on
the street but you are not sure which is which. They
make the following statements:
A: It is afternoon
B: My last name is Jones.
Who is who, and is it morning or afternoon?
Answer HERE!!!
In the land of Liars and Truthtellers there were two
families a little different from the general population.
The Smith's, who told the truth only in the morning
and lie in the afternoon, and the Jones' who speak
the truth only in the afternoon and lie in the morning.
You meet one person from each of these families on
the street but you are not sure which is which. They
make the following statements:
A: It is afternoon
B: My last name is Jones.
Who is who, and is it morning or afternoon?
Answer HERE!!!
Community Service
.
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near
UNC. When he turned onto the street at the end of the
ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into
his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of
his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top
of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a
community service by giving the driver his chicken. So
he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket
off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks
at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near
UNC. When he turned onto the street at the end of the
ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into
his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of
his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top
of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a
community service by giving the driver his chicken. So
he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket
off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks
at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
How Much Are You Worth???
.
Ever wonder how much you're worth? Well, we know all humans
are priceless, but seriously, ever wonder how much money
the elements found in your body are worth?
Well...when we total the monetary value of the elements in our
bodies and the value of the average person's skin, we arrive
at a net worth of $4.50!
This value is, however, subject to change, due to stock market
fluctuations. Since the studies leading to this conclusion
were conducted by the U.S. and by Japan respectively, it might
be wise to consult the New York Stock Exchange and the Nikkei
Index before deciding when to sell!
The U.S. Bureau of Chemistry and Soils invested many a hard-
earned tax dollar in calculating the chemical and mineral
composition of the human body, which breaks down as follows:
65% Oxygen
18% Carbon
10% Hydrogen
3% Nitrogen
1.5% Calcium
1% Phosphorous
0.35% Potassium
0.25% Sulfur
0.15% Sodium
0.15% Chlorine
0.05% Magnesium
0.0004% Iron
0.00004% Iodine
Additionally, it was discovered that our bodies contain trace
quantities of fluorine, silicon, manganese, zinc, copper,
aluminum, and arsenic. Together, all of the above amounts to
less than one dollar!
Our most valuable asset is our skin, which the Japanese
invested their time and money in measuring. The method the
Imperial State Institute for Nutrition at Tokyo developed
for measuring the amount of a person's skin is to take a
naked person, and to apply a strong, thin paper to every
surface of his body. After the paper dries, they carefully
remove it, cut it into small pieces, and painstakingly total
the person's measurements. Cut and dried, the average person
is the proud owner of fourteen to eighteen square feet of
skin, with the variations. Basing the skin's value on the
selling price of cowhide, which is approximately $.25 per
square foot, the value of an average person's skin is about
$3.50.
You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising
up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying
down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my
tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me
behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too
wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You
are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost
parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand
shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the
night shall be light about me; Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike
to You. For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are
Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from
You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts
of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your
book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there
were none of them.
Ever wonder how much you're worth? Well, we know all humans
are priceless, but seriously, ever wonder how much money
the elements found in your body are worth?
Well...when we total the monetary value of the elements in our
bodies and the value of the average person's skin, we arrive
at a net worth of $4.50!
This value is, however, subject to change, due to stock market
fluctuations. Since the studies leading to this conclusion
were conducted by the U.S. and by Japan respectively, it might
be wise to consult the New York Stock Exchange and the Nikkei
Index before deciding when to sell!
The U.S. Bureau of Chemistry and Soils invested many a hard-
earned tax dollar in calculating the chemical and mineral
composition of the human body, which breaks down as follows:
65% Oxygen
18% Carbon
10% Hydrogen
3% Nitrogen
1.5% Calcium
1% Phosphorous
0.35% Potassium
0.25% Sulfur
0.15% Sodium
0.15% Chlorine
0.05% Magnesium
0.0004% Iron
0.00004% Iodine
Additionally, it was discovered that our bodies contain trace
quantities of fluorine, silicon, manganese, zinc, copper,
aluminum, and arsenic. Together, all of the above amounts to
less than one dollar!
Our most valuable asset is our skin, which the Japanese
invested their time and money in measuring. The method the
Imperial State Institute for Nutrition at Tokyo developed
for measuring the amount of a person's skin is to take a
naked person, and to apply a strong, thin paper to every
surface of his body. After the paper dries, they carefully
remove it, cut it into small pieces, and painstakingly total
the person's measurements. Cut and dried, the average person
is the proud owner of fourteen to eighteen square feet of
skin, with the variations. Basing the skin's value on the
selling price of cowhide, which is approximately $.25 per
square foot, the value of an average person's skin is about
$3.50.
You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising
up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying
down, And are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my
tongue, But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. You have hedged me
behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too
wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You
are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost
parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand
shall hold me. If I say, "Surely the darkness shall fall on me," Even the
night shall be light about me; Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day; The darkness and the light are both alike
to You. For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb.
I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are
Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from
You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts
of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your
book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there
were none of them.
Dr. Stanley Fish -
Duke University
.
If "universal absolutes" are "illusory," how can they be the best way
to teach Duke University students to write proper English?
Isn't it interesting how the practical, everyday situations we all face show us
what is reality and what is really just illusion? When the rubber meets the
road, even one of our leading postmodernists has to admit that there just
might be something to those universal, absolute truths he spent his entire
professional career denouncing. The problem with a false worldview, you
see, is that you cannot live with it.
MORE!!!
If "universal absolutes" are "illusory," how can they be the best way
to teach Duke University students to write proper English?
Isn't it interesting how the practical, everyday situations we all face show us
what is reality and what is really just illusion? When the rubber meets the
road, even one of our leading postmodernists has to admit that there just
might be something to those universal, absolute truths he spent his entire
professional career denouncing. The problem with a false worldview, you
see, is that you cannot live with it.
MORE!!!
Cyber-Prof
.
OFFICE HOURS
by Prof J. Budziszewski
Sarah's professors tell her there's no such thing as absolute truth.
Theophilus says even they don't really believe that.
MORE!!!
OFFICE HOURS
by Prof J. Budziszewski
Sarah's professors tell her there's no such thing as absolute truth.
Theophilus says even they don't really believe that.
MORE!!!
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