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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Humor + Letters From Readers
Add Something Yourself
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Saturday
Click On Pic
Dancing To Howdy's Music
.
Dear Howdy,
The flight attendant will always tell you
the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes,
"Oh, he's good. I like his work."
David S.
Dear Howdy,
The flight attendant will always tell you
the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes,
"Oh, he's good. I like his work."
David S.
Friday
On The Way To Work
Expensive Fishing Trip
.
Two UNC grads go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment -
the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even
a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches
a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one
lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Two UNC grads go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment -
the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even
a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same
thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like
this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches
a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one
lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"
The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Dance To The Music
.
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,
"I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left
for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened
the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite
chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer
dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!"
she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Labor Day
in my life!
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband,
"I'll bet you don't know what day this is."
"Of course I do," he answered as if he was offended, and left
for the office.
At 10:00 a.m., the doorbell rang and when the woman opened
the door, she was handed a box of a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1:00 p.m., a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite
chocolates was delivered. Later, a boutique delivered a designer
dress.
The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!"
she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Labor Day
in my life!
.
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur
of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who
met an old friend after many years.
"How is your wife?"
"She is in heaven," replied the friend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized
this was not the thing to say.
"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."
That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what
I really mean is, I'm surprised.
It is not always easy to say the right thing on the spur
of the moment. We can sympathize with the chap who
met an old friend after many years.
"How is your wife?"
"She is in heaven," replied the friend.
"Oh, I'm sorry," stammered the chap. Then he realized
this was not the thing to say.
"I mean," he stammered, "I'm glad."
That seemed even worse so he blurted, "Well, what
I really mean is, I'm surprised.
Candles
.
If you watch candles you might sometimes notice small extensions
that grow out of the end of the wick. They are made out of amorphous
carbon, a very fine powdery form of the element, and they are unbelievably
fragile. Big ones can reach all the way out to the inside edge of the flame.
The biggest ones are often shaped like a horn, with a flat surface facing out.
The outer edges often glow red. These extensions of the wick can temporarily
increase its length by as much as three millimeters (1/10 inch). They form because
the space just inside the flame is a reducing zone.
Instead of oxidizing and burning, the vaporized carbon in that zone condenses
onto any solid object, including the wick itself. If conditions are steady the
horn-shaped growths can appear spontaneously.
The great physicist & Christian Michael Faraday lectured about candles in 1860:
HERE!!!
If you watch candles you might sometimes notice small extensions
that grow out of the end of the wick. They are made out of amorphous
carbon, a very fine powdery form of the element, and they are unbelievably
fragile. Big ones can reach all the way out to the inside edge of the flame.
The biggest ones are often shaped like a horn, with a flat surface facing out.
The outer edges often glow red. These extensions of the wick can temporarily
increase its length by as much as three millimeters (1/10 inch). They form because
the space just inside the flame is a reducing zone.
Instead of oxidizing and burning, the vaporized carbon in that zone condenses
onto any solid object, including the wick itself. If conditions are steady the
horn-shaped growths can appear spontaneously.
The great physicist & Christian Michael Faraday lectured about candles in 1860:
HERE!!!
.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted,
"Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.
You'll just have to be a little patient."
Compassion, True and False
Politicians love to talk about compassion. Volunteers who are
helping Katrina's victims are practicing it. And there's a world
of difference between their definitions of that word.
MORE!!!
The 'Darwinist Inquisition'
Starts Another Round At
Iowa State University
.
It's happening again: another scientist,
another academic institution, another
attempt to stifle freedom of thought.
The "Darwinist inquisition," is as
predictable as it is relentless.
MORE!!!
It's happening again: another scientist,
another academic institution, another
attempt to stifle freedom of thought.
The "Darwinist inquisition," is as
predictable as it is relentless.
MORE!!!
Irving Berlin
.
Composer and lyricist. From 1905 to 1907, he worked as a
singing waiter at a cafe in Chinatown and learned to pick out
tunes on an upright piano. He wrote the lyrics to his first
published song, "Marie from Sunny Italy," in 1907, with music
by a pianist at the cafe. Berlin composed by picking out, by
ear, notes that a pianist-arranger then wrote down. In 1911,
he wrote "Alexander's Ragtime Band," the song that made him
an international celebrity. Berlin became one of the most
popular composers of ragtime, the jazzy dance music that became
a veritable craze. In recognition of his ensuing legendary
patriotism, Berlin received the Army's Medal of Merit from
President Harry Truman in 1945; he also received a
Congressional Gold Medal from President Dwight D. Eisenhower
in 1955 for "God Bless America" and his many other patriotic
contributions to popular music. In 1974, upon his official
retirement, Berlin presented his piano to the Smithsonian
Institution in Washington, D.C.
Died: September 22, 1989
Born: May 11, 1888
Composer and lyricist. From 1905 to 1907, he worked as a
singing waiter at a cafe in Chinatown and learned to pick out
tunes on an upright piano. He wrote the lyrics to his first
published song, "Marie from Sunny Italy," in 1907, with music
by a pianist at the cafe. Berlin composed by picking out, by
ear, notes that a pianist-arranger then wrote down. In 1911,
he wrote "Alexander's Ragtime Band," the song that made him
an international celebrity. Berlin became one of the most
popular composers of ragtime, the jazzy dance music that became
a veritable craze. In recognition of his ensuing legendary
patriotism, Berlin received the Army's Medal of Merit from
President Harry Truman in 1945; he also received a
Congressional Gold Medal from President Dwight D. Eisenhower
in 1955 for "God Bless America" and his many other patriotic
contributions to popular music. In 1974, upon his official
retirement, Berlin presented his piano to the Smithsonian
Institution in Washington, D.C.
Died: September 22, 1989
Born: May 11, 1888
Morality and Test Tube Babies
.
How does a couple (or an individual) deal with the knowledge
that their genetic offspring are suspended in a state of frozen
non-existence? This horrible knowledge is a reminder that
violating limits always promises great gain, but it also comes
at a great (and even greater) cost.
MORE!!!
How does a couple (or an individual) deal with the knowledge
that their genetic offspring are suspended in a state of frozen
non-existence? This horrible knowledge is a reminder that
violating limits always promises great gain, but it also comes
at a great (and even greater) cost.
MORE!!!
If 99.9% Is Good Enough....
.
-12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
-114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
-18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
-2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.(A good thing)
-2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
-Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
-315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
-20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
-880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have
incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
-103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
-5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
-291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
-3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing
one of the three sections
-A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)
-12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
-114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
-18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
-2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.(A good thing)
-2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
-Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
-315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
-20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
-880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have
incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
-103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
-5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
-291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
-3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing
one of the three sections
-A typical day would be 24 hours long (give or take 86.4 seconds)
Thursday
Howdy Driving To Work
Click On Pic
Waiting For The Bus
Puppy Love -
Word Quiz
.
See If You Know The Meaning:
1. frowsy (adj.) - A: frowning. B: sleepy. C: slovenly.
D: weak, insubstantial.
2. dappled (adj.) - A: extremely wrinkled. B: marked with
spots. C: musty, stale. D: rust-colored.
3. telepathy (n.) - A: silent communication. B: fungus spore.
C: distant view. D: holistic healer.
4. emulate (v.) - A: to mix. B: imitate. C: increase the
power of. D: abandon.
5. impending (adj.) - A: about to occur. B: delayed.
C: falling. D: attacking.
6. unmitigated (adj.) - A: unusual. B: unprecedented.
C: unexpected. D: unrelieved.
7. brambles (n.) - A: prickly shrubs. B: happy jaunts.
C: rambling talks. D: excuses.
8. emit (v.) - A: to give off. B: express. C: correct.
D: be sensitive to.
9. trepidation (n.) - A: surgical procedure. B: warning.
C: eagerness. D: apprehension.
10. onerous (adj.) - A: unique. B: harmonious. C: burdensome.
D: foul-smelling.
11. dissenter (n.) - A: holder of a shared opinion.
B: holder of a differing opinion. C: relative. D: carafe.
12. tchotchkes (n.) - A: dumplings. B: agitation. C: knick-
knacks. D: leftovers.
13. euphonious (adj.) - A: false. B: youthful. C: carefully
planned. D: pleasing to the ear.
14. pendulous (adj.) - A: boring. B: suspended as to swing
freely. C: awaiting approval. D: celebratory.
15. phlegmatic (adj.) - A: stolid in temperament. B: sick.
C: soft-spoken. D: stubborn.
16. periphery (n.) - A: area's midpoint. B: deep cave.
C: journey's start point. D: outer edge.
ANSWERS!!!
See If You Know The Meaning:
1. frowsy (adj.) - A: frowning. B: sleepy. C: slovenly.
D: weak, insubstantial.
2. dappled (adj.) - A: extremely wrinkled. B: marked with
spots. C: musty, stale. D: rust-colored.
3. telepathy (n.) - A: silent communication. B: fungus spore.
C: distant view. D: holistic healer.
4. emulate (v.) - A: to mix. B: imitate. C: increase the
power of. D: abandon.
5. impending (adj.) - A: about to occur. B: delayed.
C: falling. D: attacking.
6. unmitigated (adj.) - A: unusual. B: unprecedented.
C: unexpected. D: unrelieved.
7. brambles (n.) - A: prickly shrubs. B: happy jaunts.
C: rambling talks. D: excuses.
8. emit (v.) - A: to give off. B: express. C: correct.
D: be sensitive to.
9. trepidation (n.) - A: surgical procedure. B: warning.
C: eagerness. D: apprehension.
10. onerous (adj.) - A: unique. B: harmonious. C: burdensome.
D: foul-smelling.
11. dissenter (n.) - A: holder of a shared opinion.
B: holder of a differing opinion. C: relative. D: carafe.
12. tchotchkes (n.) - A: dumplings. B: agitation. C: knick-
knacks. D: leftovers.
13. euphonious (adj.) - A: false. B: youthful. C: carefully
planned. D: pleasing to the ear.
14. pendulous (adj.) - A: boring. B: suspended as to swing
freely. C: awaiting approval. D: celebratory.
15. phlegmatic (adj.) - A: stolid in temperament. B: sick.
C: soft-spoken. D: stubborn.
16. periphery (n.) - A: area's midpoint. B: deep cave.
C: journey's start point. D: outer edge.
ANSWERS!!!
Don't Tell Everything
.
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the
reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were
out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the
fish to prove it!"
"Armstrong," the boss said, "I happen to know that the
reason you didn't come to work yesterday was that you were
out playing golf."
"That's a rotten lie!" Armstrong protested. "And I have the
fish to prove it!"
Highfalutin
.
A highfalutin person is someone who is pretentious or haughty.
Example: "Pa said he didn't want some highfalutin professor
coming in and telling him he talks funny."
Something that is highfalutin is absurdly pompous such as Senator
Kennedy in any Senate hearings. This is often used in the context
of a speech or writing that uses bombastic language.
First recorded in English in 1839, highfalutin was pretty commonly
used by the 1850s. The origins of this American slang word are
unclear. It is believed to be a conjunction of the adjective high
and the words fluting, flying, or flown.
A related word is bombast!
A highfalutin person is someone who is pretentious or haughty.
Example: "Pa said he didn't want some highfalutin professor
coming in and telling him he talks funny."
Something that is highfalutin is absurdly pompous such as Senator
Kennedy in any Senate hearings. This is often used in the context
of a speech or writing that uses bombastic language.
First recorded in English in 1839, highfalutin was pretty commonly
used by the 1850s. The origins of this American slang word are
unclear. It is believed to be a conjunction of the adjective high
and the words fluting, flying, or flown.
A related word is bombast!
Virus Warning
.
There is now a virus, disguised as a warning of a virus,
which is being spread like a virus! It is perhaps the most
insidious virus yet. It seems that a letter called "'Warning
Virus' Warning" warns you about a virus that is a virus
warning, and asks you to send it to all of your online
contacts to warn others of the virus. Soon the warning has
sent this warning to warn more people of the Warning Virus,
thus spreading the virus through the very act of warning them.
This virus is spreading faster than any other virus known to
the computer industry. It is estimated that even as you read
this, one more computer has already become infected!
Please send this to everyone you know to warn them of the
Warning Virus, because the only way to stop others from being
a victim of this virus is to warn them!
There is now a virus, disguised as a warning of a virus,
which is being spread like a virus! It is perhaps the most
insidious virus yet. It seems that a letter called "'Warning
Virus' Warning" warns you about a virus that is a virus
warning, and asks you to send it to all of your online
contacts to warn others of the virus. Soon the warning has
sent this warning to warn more people of the Warning Virus,
thus spreading the virus through the very act of warning them.
This virus is spreading faster than any other virus known to
the computer industry. It is estimated that even as you read
this, one more computer has already become infected!
Please send this to everyone you know to warn them of the
Warning Virus, because the only way to stop others from being
a victim of this virus is to warn them!
UNC Contract Law Class
.
One day in Contract Law class, a UNC Professor asked one of
his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange,
how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!", the UNC Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey
to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut,
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without
the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or
in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever
to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally..."
X_______________sign here
One day in Contract Law class, a UNC Professor asked one of
his better students, "Now, if you were to give someone an orange,
how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid.
"No! No! Think like a lawyer!", the UNC Professor instructed.
The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey
to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim
and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice,
pulp and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut,
freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with, or without
the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or
in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever
to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, domestically or internationally..."
X_______________sign here
Cindy Sheehan
Many Americans now see Cindy Sheehan, as a person who
has come to enjoy the celebratory status accorded to her by
the radicals on the extreme left who see America as the outlaw
of the world. These radicals are not content to be constructive
critics. They are bent on destroying this country.
MORE!!!
If Ever I Would Leave You
If ever I would leave you, it wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer, I never would go
Your hair streaked with sunlight, your lips red as flame
Your face with a luster that puts gold to shame...
But if I'd ever leave you, it couldn't be in autumn
How I'd leave in autumn, I never will know
I've seen how you sparkle when fall nips the air
I know you in autumn and I must be there...
And could I leave you running merrily through the snow
Or on a wintry evening when you catch the fire's glow...
If ever I would leave you, how could it be in springtime
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so
Oh, no, not in springtime, summer, winter, or fall
No never could I leave you at all!
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