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The E.Newspaper
By Dr. Howdy, Ph.D.
A.P.E., N.U.T.
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Friday
Term Paper
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger and
there is neither apple or pine in a pineapple. English
muffins were not invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are lollies while sweetbreads
which are not sweet are meat. We take English for
granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find quick sand
can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
Guinea Pig is neither from Guinea or a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the
plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth
beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two
meese? And to further complicate the issue it is one
mongoose, two mongooses. You can make amends,
but not one amend or comb through the annals of
history but not a single annal. If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all of them, except
one, is it an odd or an end?
It teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a human -
itarian eat? Sometimes I think all English speakers
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play
and play at a recital? Or have noses that run and
feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat
chance mean the same thing , while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook
and oversee be opposites? Have you noticed that
we talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage
or a strapful gown? And where are those people
who are actually spring chickens? You have to
marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which you house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and
in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people not computers,
and it reflects the creativity of the human race,
which isn't a race at all. That is why when the
stars are out they are visible, but when the lights
are out they are invisible.
That is why when I wind up my watch I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
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